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Rape fantasy and resistance play

dragonpoly
Note: This is part 7 of an occasional ongoing "how to" series on BDSM.

Part 1 of the series, How to Tie a Rope Harness Part I, is here.
Part 2 of the series, How to Tie a Frog Tie, is here.
Part 3 of the series, How to Tie a Shinju, is here.
Part 4 of the series, How to Make a Custom Dildo out of Ice, is here.
Part 5 of the series, How to Make a Spikey Decorative Collar, is here.
Part 6 of the series, Theory and Practice of Ginger Figging, is here.
As you can probably figure out, most of these tutorials are really, really not work-safe.

This particular tutorial is not in any way work-safe, photographically or in text. It covers a topic that is both very common and yet at the same time triggering for a lot of people: rape fantasy. It covers communication, negotiation, and some starter scenarios, if this is the sort of thing you might like to try. If it sounds like it's up your alley, clicky the link!


 
 

RAPE FANTASY AND RESISTANCE PLAY



Psychologists tell us that rape fantasy is one of the most common of all sexual fantasies, especially among women. They're also arguably among the most psychologically charged fantasies, and some people react to them with feelings such as guilt and shame.

Exploring rape fantasy can be a fun, exciting, and healthy part of sexuality, as long as it's done with a trusted partner in a safe and controlled setting.

"Resistance play" is any kind of sexual role-playing scenario in which one person acts out using "force" on the other, who struggles and resists. Not all rape fantasies involve resistance play and not all resistance play involves rape fantasy, but the two are combined often enough that I'll talk about both of them here.


Deciding What you Want

The idea of rape fantasy covers a lot of ground. Different people are attracted to different aspects of fantasized non-consensual sex, and it pays to talk about what it is you like about the idea with your partner before you start. You and your partner may have very different notions in your heads about what "rape fantasy" means, and if you're not on the same page, it might just end up in some very not-fun and not-sexy ways.

Talking to your partner about it first doesn't take the fun out of it. Some people are reluctant to talk about rape fantasy in detail with their partners, either because they feel that if it isn't a surprise, it won't be as exciting, or because they are worried about feeling awkward or silly when they get down to it. In practice, though, it doesn't work that way; in my experience, talking about it first before you do this sort of thing is crucial to having a fun, exciting, and positive experience.

Before I go any further, though, let me back up a bit and talk about what rape fantasy is not.

Rape fantasy is not rape. Rape is an act of violence, perpetrated by an attacker on an unwilling victim. It's not an act of sex; it's about power and control. Rape fantasy, on the other hand, is a completely different story. It's something that the people involved do because they both choose to do it, and because it's exciting for both of them. Like all fantasies, it isn't real, and shouldn't be confused with the real thing. (In fact, I've talked to one person who has been raped for real, an experience she did not enjoy at all, who nevertheless still has fantasies about non-consent. The reality and the fantasy live in very different places, and are very different things.)



It's not uncommon to be intimidated by the idea of acting out a rape fantasy, even if the fantasy itself really appeals to you. Sometimes, people who have these fantasies (and most people, at some point or another, do have them) feel guilty or ashamed about them. People who like fantasizing about playing the role of the "victim" often may wonder if having rape fantasies means they want to be raped "for real," while people who might like to play the role of the "aggressor" may worry about hurting their partners, or may feel guilty or ashamed about being asked to do things to their partners that they've always been taught are wrong.

But acting out a rape fantasy is nothing at all like real rape. Think of it as play-acting; a person who plays the role of a villain in a James Bond movie isn't trying to take over the world for real, and a person who acts out a rape fantasy doesn't want to rape someone or be raped for real.

If you and your partner both enjoy acting out a pretend "rape" scenario, then there's nothing wrong with what you're doing; you're merely acting a role because you both enjoy it.


One of the key elements of most rape fantasy is the idea of powerlessness. Some folks like that a lot; it can be very liberating to construct a fantasy setting in which you are not in control, and therefore it's not your fault. In fact, people who are raised with conservative ideas about what sex "should" be like or what kind of sexual activities people "should" engage in can find the notion of helplessness quite appealing, because it removes the social stigma from enjoying activities they might consider taboo.

So different people find different things appealing about rape fantasy. That's why it's important to think about what you want from it before you start experimenting with it. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to script out every little thing that happens, but it does mean you and your lover should both have similar ideas about what you want.

Some of the things people find appealing about rape fantasy include:

Loss of control.
He moves in closer, still maintaining his firm grip on her arm. "There's nothing you can do," he says. A small smile touches his lips. "You can't get away. Soon, I will have my way with you..."

Loss of control can free people to enjoy things they think they "shouldn't." It is also very sexy in and of itself; even for folks who don't have any particular taboos about sex. It can be really sexy to have a lover do things to you that you can't control, or doing things to your lover that your lover can't control.

Restraint.
The last of the straps was buckled firmly in place. She ran her fingers lightly over his thigh. "No escape for you! You can not move...but it's okay. You can still scream if you want to."

Some rape fantasies involve being tied up or bound to the bed or other forms of being restrained, which can certainly heighten a sense of loss of control.

Being desired.
"When you walked in the door, I knew I had to have you, whether you wanted me to or not." Fingertips brushed lightly over the hollow of her throat. "And now...I will."

A common element in many of the rape fantasies I've heard about includes the idea that the "victim" is so sexy and so desirable that the "attacker" is completely overwhelmed and absolutely must possess the "victim."

Resistance or struggling.
"Think you can get away?" With one step backward, the clothing ripped under his grip. "Let's see. If you can make it to the door, I'll let you go. If not...well, let's just say you won't soon forget what I have planned for you."

Many people find that wrestling with a partner or grappling with a partner is a huge turn-on. It gets the blood pumping and is a fun way to be physical with your partner; just the act of struggling with someone is sometimes a powerful aphrodisiac. Not all resistance play is rape fantasy; I know many folks who like to wrestle before or during sex. But adding an element of mock struggle to a rape fantasy can make it much more intense.

S&M.
Her breath caught. Fingernails tightened in her thighs. "What are you going to do to me?"
"Only this." They dug in, raking the soft skin of her inner thigh.

For some people, resistance play is also an opportunity to have some fun with pain play as well. Biting, hair-pulling, and other rough housing figure into many rape fantasies, and offer a way to add a little spice to a fantasy scenario.

Anonymity.
Pale eyes looked out from behind the mask. "You don't know me, but I know you." The top button yielded easily to gloved fingers. "And I think that now we will know each other more intimately."

Sometimes, the thrill of being made to have sex with a mysterious, masked stranger is one of the turn-ons in a sexual fantasy. The idea of sex with a stranger is something that's still considered taboo by many people, especially for women, and the allure of an unknown partner can make a fantasy more powerful.

Since every fantasy is different, it's important to talk to your partner about what gets your motor going before you start to explore this kind of scenario. Talk about your fantasies and the things you like about them. Do you want a scenario where you and your partner "fight" each other, or would you prefer something where your partner is merely ordering you around? Do you want your partner to dress the part, perhaps in a ski mask or hood, or would you rather see your partner? Would you like to be tied up, or would you prefer just to be pushed down and taken advantage of? Do you want to be undressed, or would you like your partner to rip your clothes off of you, or would you rather be "made" to undress yourself? What sorts of acts do you think you might like to be "forced" to perform? Think about what gets you going--not necessarily in great detail, but just in general. It's easy to leave enough room for your partner to do things that surprise you while still providing enough of a framework that your partner has a general sense of what you like.



In any kind of resistance or mock-"rape" scenario, you'll probably be saying things like "No!" and "Stop!" during the scene. Doing this adds to the excitement and the feeling of realism of the encounter. It's important to establish a "safeword," a special word you can use that means "stop" for real if you don't like what's happening or if you think something's gone wrong. This should be a simple, unmistakable word that isn't going to come up otherwise. I use "aardvark" as a safeword; other people like the word "red." Whatever you choose, make sure you and your partner are both clear that if either of you says this word, it means "stop" for real and the scenario ends immediately.

It's not just the person playing the "victim" who needs a safeword. Sometimes, the person playing the "aggressor" may find that role to be psychologically challenging as well. After all, the "aggressor" is being asked to act out a role that we are brought up to believe is wrong; playing the "bad guy" in a sexual fantasy can be challenging, too.

Decide on a word that any of the people involved can use to mean "stop." Make sure that all of the people involved are aware of this word. If something goes wrong, don't hesitate to use it. Remember, the purpose of acting out a fantasy is to have fun! If you're not having fun, it isn't working.


Props

A few props can sometimes make a rape play scenario more exciting and add to the fun. One of the simplest but most effective props is simply a change of clothes that you don't mind losing. It's a lot of fun to rip or cut the clothes off your partner's body, or to have your clothing ripped off. You can use those ratty old clothes in the back of the closet, or even buy a cheap shirt from the local thrift store.

Along the same lines, if anonymity is the turn-on, a ski mask makes an effective prop for the "aggressor." Or you can use a pair of nylons or a hooded sweatshirt.

If bondage or restraint is part of your scenario, it's helpful to have some cuffs set up in advance; nothing kills the scene quicker than fumbling around for rope while your "victim" is waiting (im)patiently. Using cuffs rather than just rope is helpful because it's easier to restrain your partner with cuffs, even if your partner is "resisting."

For some people, the thrill in this kind of fantasy is not in struggling, but instead has to do with the suggestion of force. Some folks like to incorporate a "weapon" into their play, such as a toy gun (paint it black for a more realistic look) or a simulated knife or dagger.

Flea markets and swap meets are your friends. I've found all kinds of inexpensive, elaborate toy guns and knives at places like this.



Some people use a real knife or dagger for this kind of fantasy scenario. This kind of prop is helpful for cutting off your partner's clothing, or for creating the illusion of control.

If you do this, it's important to pay close attention and be very careful. If you hold the knife against your partner, turn it so the sharp edge is outward, to reduce the chance of accidentally injuring him or her. Don't use it as part of resistance play; struggling with a partner who has a real knife can lead to injury. This sort of prop is best suited to a scenario in which you use the suggestion of "force" to make your partner do as you say.

If you use a knife or a pair of scissors to cut off your partner's clothing, take care to avoid injury by making sure you cut away from your partner's body (and your own). Don't cut up along your partner's clothing, but rather place the knife or scissors under your partner's clothing and then draw it away from your partner.


Negotiation

So now that you've thought about what parts of a rape fantasy appeal to you, it's time to talk to your partner! The key to making this work is to make sure that everyone has similar expectations going in; if you like the idea of helplessness, but your partner's idea of "rape fantasy" involves S&M activities, and you haven't talked to each other before you begin, somebody's not going to have fun.

A good way to begin is to talk about your favorite fantasies involving coercion or non-consent, and listen to your partner's fantasies. Don't be afraid to discuss what it is about them that revs your motor. Sometimes this can be difficult; if you're not used to talking openly with your partner, then talking about something as emotionally charged as rape fantasies isn't easy. But if you are interested in exploring this kind of role-playing in the bedroom, it's necessary to be able to talk about it first. (I'm of the firm opinion that if you're sharing your body with someone, you should feel safe enough with that person to share your words, too.) You can use some of the things on this page as a checklist. Do you want to struggle? Do you want your partner to use "force" to "subdue" you, or only use words? What kinds of "force" turn you on?

It's a good idea to talk about what you don't like, also. For example, some people find face-slapping a huge turn-on, but many people find it to be too intense, so this isn't something you'll likely want to spring on your partner by surprise. The same goes for things like scratching and biting, which turn some people on and turn other people off. If you are playing the "victim," it's important that you set boundaries for what you do not want as well as what you do.

Scenarios

There are as many different ways to role-play a mock-"rape" scene as there are stars in the sky. If you're interested in rape-play, I'm sure you've probably got plenty of ideas of your own, but just in case you want some more, these short scenes might get your creative juices flowing.

Slow build-up: This scenario starts gradually and becomes forceful. Begin by sitting behind your partner and massaging your partner's back and shoulders. After a time, start running your hands down the front of your partner's body. Your partner will shrug your hand away; you move it back. Your partner takes your hand away again. Put your hand back, and grope and fondle your partner's breasts and/or nipples. Your partner says "No!" and firmly removes your hand. Put it back just as firmly, and hold it there when your partner tries to remove it. Keep a hold on your partner when he or she tries to pull away; this is a good time to start kissing your partner's neck, as well.

Your partner will struggle more insistently to get away. Grab him or her more tightly and start pulling (or, if you're playing with clothing you don't mind destroying, ripping) your partner's shirt off. While your partner struggles, push him or her to the ground. Keep fondling and kissing while your partner struggles. Pull off more clothing, and use your weight to pin your partner to the ground. Match your partner's level of resistance with your own; the more your partner struggles, the more you respond.

The Intruder: This is a late-night scenario. Your partner is sitting alone in bed reading, perhaps dressed only in underwear or a negligee. All the lights in the house are off except the one in the bedroom. Dress all in black, perhaps wearing a ski mask if you like. Sneak into the house and tiptoe through the dark rooms toward the bedroom--or, if you have a sliding glass door or a window that permits it, come directly into the bedroom from outside. Take your partner by surprise, and wrestle him or her down onto the bed.

There are a lot of different things you can do to play with this scenario. You can carry rope, or a blindfold, or both, with you, and use them to tie down and blindfold your partner. Once your "innocent victim" is bound and helpless, you can take your time, and linger over your defenseless victim's body. Kiss your partner forcibly, then slowly work your way down your partner's body with your tongue, undressing him or her as you go. When you get down to your poor "victim's" thighs, explain that you're going to use your tongue, and if your partner becomes aroused, that means he or she likes it and wants to be raped.

Or, carry a knife with you. Grab your partner's wrists, hold the flat side of the knife against your "victim's" skin, and tell your partner not to struggle. Explain that your partner must do whatever you say, and has no choice about it. Order your victim to undress. Run your hands over your partner's body, taking your time. Then, order your victim to undress you as well. Drag the point of the knife gently over your partner's skin while he or she obeys. From there, you can have your way with your partner; for a little bit of extra fun, explain graphically, in detail, what you are going to do to your partner's body before you do it.

In the Shower: Your partner is innocently showering when you decide you're in the mood. The notion of all that wet, exposed skin just drives you wild, and you won't take "no" for an answer. Take off your clothes and sneak into the bathroom. Before your partner has time to respond, jump into the shower. Grab your partner's wrists and pin them to the wall. Hold them there over your partner's head with one hand, while your other hand runs down your partner's body. Feel between your partner's legs with one hand, and if you find any sign of arousal, it's time to take advantage of your "victim."

Hold your partner against the wall with your body and take him or her roughly as the water pours over both of you. After you're finished, "force" your partner to wash you thoroughly to clean you up.

Surprise Assault: One day you're home alone while your partner is out somewhere else--at work, at school, whatever. You hear your partner walking up toward the door, and you hide behind the door to take your partner by surprise.

As soon as the door opens, grab your "victim" by the hair and slam him or her up against the wall. Hold your partner there while you kiss him or her. When your partner starts to struggle, begin biting his or her neck. Your partner might take advantage of your distraction to struggle harder, and might even break away from you completely. No matter; grab your victim in a bear hug and wrestle him or her down onto the floor, the couch, or wherever else you find convenient. Keep your partner pinned with one hand (or with the weight of your body) while you pull off his or her clothes with the other. If your partner escapes, simply grab him or her again and drag him or her back to wherever you like. You may find that you don't even need to take off all your partner's clothes completely; just pull them aside enough to give you access for what you want to do.



If you like to slam your partner against the wall--and who doesn't, every now and then?--keep one hand behind his or her head. That way, you won't accidentally bang your partner's head into the wall, which is very un-sexy.


Right now: The flip side of the Surprise Assault scenario. You come home from work or wherever you happen to be and decide that you're going to take your partner at once, without asking first. Before you set this scenario up, attach a set of cuffs or ropes to the bed and then tuck them out of sight beneath the mattress. When you're ready, come home from wherever you are. As soon as you walk through the door, grab your partner and drag him or her toward the bedroom.

Your partner might scream or resist, but of course little things like that won't stop you. Throw your partner onto the bed and bind him or her in place, arms above the head. Rip open your partner's shirt and begin fondling, licking, and teasing his or her nipples. If your partner protests, you can explain that this is the least of what you have planned...or, if you prefer, use a gag to keep your partner from any further complaints. At this point, of course, you can do whatever you want.

You might find it fun to force your partner's legs apart, and explore with fingers, tongue, or whatever sex toys you have handy. For a bit of extra fun, if your partner is female, you might want to improvise some sex toys out of whatever you might have handy--candles work well, for example.

When you're ready, and you think you've teased your partner enough, it's time to take advantage of your helpless "victim's" body however you like.

Blackmail: This is a psychological rape fantasy scenario, rather than a physical resistance play scenario. You have discovered something about your partner that must not be revealed--perhaps you can pretend to have some racy photos of your partner which you will threaten to sell to the newspaper, or some confidential business paperwork that shows your partner was embezzling from the company, or whatever.

Your partner plays the role of a person who will do anything, anything, to prevent this information from getting out. And that gives you the ability to order your partner to do whatever you like.

This kind of scenario can be fun to role-play out over a series of several evenings. At first your demands are easy. You can sit order your partner to undress in front of you, and to do things like kiss you or massage you. Then, when you return the next day, you begin to demand more. Order your partner to give you a sexy lap dance, or to strip in front of you and touch himself or herself while you sit and watch. Even if your partner is uncomfortable doing these things, it doesn't matter; after all, since you have the incriminating evidence, your partner isn't in a position to negotiate! Tell your partner precisely what to do, in detail; for example, you may order your partner to open her shirt and run her hands seductively over her breasts until her nipples are hard, or order your partner to strip to his underwear and stroke himself through his underwear until he is completely erect.

The next evening, you can begin demanding more services. Tell your partner that the sexy performance from the evening before has made you want more. Undress, sit on the couch, and order your partner to kiss you and stroke your body lightly with fingertips. You may want to have your partner kneel in front of you and stroke, lick, or caress you until you come.

Finally, you decide that it's time for sex. Order your partner into whatever position you like. If you want, you can even demand that your partner ask you to have sex with him or her, or beg for sex; after all, since you're in control, your partner can't refuse without risking exposure of whatever incriminating information you have!

These are just a few quick and simple ideas that can get your creative juices flowing. You can mix and match, taking whatever elements you and your partner like and combining them into scenarios of your own. It's not always necessary to tell your partner in detail exactly what you like; after all, surprise is part of the fun! Work with your partner to find out what sorts of things you both like, then put those things together in any combination you choose.


 
     

Comments

( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
tacit
Apr. 19th, 2008 06:27 am (UTC)
It's black text on a light background. The background is set in the post, but the color of the text is not. If oyu are using an LJ style or theme which uses light-colored text, that's probably the problem. Try looking at the page, and if you see "&style=mine" on the end of the URL, take that off. This will tell LJ not to run the post through your theme, and to use the text color set in the post instead of the text color set in your theme.
gentleindiff
Apr. 19th, 2008 06:31 am (UTC)
"(In fact, I've talked to one person who has been raped for real, an experience she did not enjoy at all, who nevertheless still has fantasies about non-consent. The reality and the fantasy live in very different places, and are very different things.)" I can't thank you enough for putting this in there.

This is phenomenal. I think I'm going to talk to Master about it in the near future.
strega42
Apr. 19th, 2008 08:41 am (UTC)
Another neat trick with knives is to show your "victim" a very real, scary looking knife, and substitute a metal letter-opener for it after they're blindfolded. This minimizes the possibility of nicking your "victim" if they zig when they should have zagged.

This is a great essay! Thanks especially for pointing out that the aggressor may also need to safeword out; I think that often gets forgotten.
tacit
Apr. 22nd, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
That's an excellent idea! In fact, I've added it to the final version. :)
samhainborn
Apr. 19th, 2008 12:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks for posting this.
scrappygeek
Apr. 19th, 2008 12:46 pm (UTC)
Nice! I'm another example of someone who has been raped for real, but still has nonconsensual fantasies. This was a very helpful introduction - thank you!
skitten
Apr. 19th, 2008 01:52 pm (UTC)
nice!
btw: we're listening to old podcasts ofpolyamory weekly & you were mentioned :)
cheerilyxmorbid
Apr. 20th, 2008 11:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Rape fantasy is something that Sir and I have discussed and would like to try. I'll have to show this to him.
serpentstar
Jul. 2nd, 2008 06:42 pm (UTC)
Saw this via OkCupid -- good stuff.

One thing I tried was using a real knife that I'd taken the edge & point off (using a grinder). So, it looked & felt real -- still enough of an edge to feel like a cold & narrow knife blade, but blunt enough that there was no real risk of a cut or stab, even deliberately.

No good for cutting through clothing, of course -- but one could always pick up 2 identical knives, blunt one, keep the other sharp, and do a switch at some point (similar to what one of the other commenters suggested).
libbydabomb
Aug. 1st, 2008 03:55 pm (UTC)
I love resistance play... thanks for posting this!
(Anonymous)
Aug. 18th, 2008 01:13 am (UTC)
I have been looking everywhere for something like this! you are amazing, thanks!
__intothevoid
Aug. 31st, 2008 12:17 pm (UTC)
This is fantastic. I love it! Can't wait to show it to my Boything.
(Anonymous)
Jul. 8th, 2009 04:02 pm (UTC)
rape black mail
I think a role where a woman seduces a man and then says no and he keeps playing the rape role then when he is done she blackmails him with threats of going to the cops....do it in a hotel where there can be witneses and she keeps the condom as eveidence.. that is a hot role that can take every meeting to a new high...
dreadog81
Oct. 19th, 2009 06:26 pm (UTC)
thank you for posting this!
arielmorgan
Mar. 17th, 2010 05:13 am (UTC)
...I just thought you might be amused that you were the first result on a google search for "resistance play." I know this is a rather old post and all, but still.
(Anonymous)
Jun. 11th, 2010 11:28 pm (UTC)
Well written and informative. Kudos!
(Anonymous)
Aug. 9th, 2010 04:55 am (UTC)
It's very hot
I actually played this out several times. My wife was very into it when I was waiting for her in our house one afternoon. I wore black clothing, a turtle neck shirt, latex surgical gloves and a tight shiny nylon tan colored stocking pulled super tight over my head as I took her and ripped her clothing off and used her for my pleasure while all the time talking filth to her. The mask was great because before hand I cut my hair very short and shaved off my mustache so she would not know it was me right off the bat.

Have fun with it, I know she did and still does when we do these kind of things. Feel free to comment!
(Anonymous)
Sep. 10th, 2010 07:05 am (UTC)
You people disgust me. How dare you make light of a traumatic event by turning into some sexual outlet. That's sickening. Women all over get raped and you seem to want to find a way to sugar coat rough, non-consensual sex and called it "fantasy".

I don't and will never buy those semantics. Rape is rape no matter how it looks. So despite whatever justifications you have, I'm abhorred that you would even type an article to give people ideas.

Shame on you.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 1st, 2010 04:28 pm (UTC)
Sounds like someone isn't getting enough :)
(Anonymous)
Jan. 20th, 2012 12:55 am (UTC)
Anonymous #2, you are part of the problem.

Trivializing someone's concerns about consent and resistance play with a "lol needs more sex" brush-off is grossly insensitive. I'm not the first anon, but if I said "No, this sounds too rapey to me" and someone said what you'd said in response, I'd not feel safe alone with that person nor okay with letting any of my friends go anywhere alone with that person.
lb_lee
Oct. 5th, 2010 06:58 pm (UTC)
I speak as someone who got raped, and YOU, Anonymous, are one of the people who make my life hell.

You are not helping me. You may think you are, and that you're showing concern for me, but you're not. Because then you would say, "I may not understand, I may find this disgusting, but if it's chosen and gives you mental health, more power to you."

Maybe you were raped, like me, in which case I'm sorry it happened, and that it wasn't your fault. But that does not excuse your behavior.

My rape was nothing like what me and my husband do now, because you know what? With my husband, I'm allowed (ENCOURAGED) to say no, at any time. And when I say no, everything stops, everyone is checked up on, comforted, wrapped in a blanket, and dealt with IMMEDIATELY.

If only my rapist had had such concern for my well-being!

Shame on YOU, Anonymous, for trying to speak for me, saying what I should and shouldn't do. I've had enough of that from my rapist and people telling me I shouldn't have ever met my rapist in the first place or said 'hello.' Now I get it from YOU, saying I should not have sex I want, that helps me heal, that expresses love?

Get away with you and take your concern and disgust with you.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 17th, 2010 03:18 am (UTC)
I don't need your not-so-sincere pity. So save it.

Did I strike a nerve there? I'm angry as hell but apparently I have no right to be according to you.

And don't talk to me about hell alright? Been there, done that. And quite honestly I haven't fully dealt with it but that's none of your business. I don't need you to excuse what I said, okay? Don't think for a second I'm going to walked on because you didn't like something that I said.

How dare YOU tell me what I can and cannot say. But then again, I really haven't had a say so it would only be natural that someone else would try to shut me up.

Don't worry though. You won't ever have to deal with "Anonymous" again.
lb_lee
Oct. 17th, 2010 03:41 am (UTC)
I do not know you. I do not know what you've been through. But I do know that whatever happened to you, you did not deserve it. We might be arguing, and I might be angry at you right now, but I'm sure you have people you love, passions that fulfill you, pains that hurt you.

And that makes you human, and so although I can be angry at you, I can not hate you.

I disagree with what you said, but I could have put it more politely, and I apologize for that. Good luck wrestling your personal demons.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 17th, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
In reading what I wrote initially. I could feel the anger there. I could've expressed it better too. I think the line between reality and fantasy was blurred for me and that wasn't by choice either.

Chalk it up to being angry, and taking it out on you and all those who like this sort of thing. I can't say I understand but thats just me.
lb_lee
Oct. 17th, 2010 05:13 am (UTC)
*shrug* And I understand that. I've been there. Sit with your emotions, by all means, figure out where they're coming from and process the pain. But please, don't lash out at people who are considerate and kind.

I have to reassure my husband every once in a while that he has never hurt me. I know bad people from good, these days, and he doesn't deserve to feel bad, when he's the most considerate man I've ever known who's helped me through my own personal hells.

What may look frightening and horrible on the surface can be full of laughter and healing when both people are okay with it.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 17th, 2010 05:35 am (UTC)
You're lucky you found him. I'm sorry I took things out on you and those who like this. As I said before, I don't understand it. Strangely enough, a part of me feels curious about it. And I have no idea where that just came from.
lb_lee
Oct. 17th, 2010 05:50 am (UTC)
Remember when you were a kid, and doing some fun activity that really wore you out? Playing tag, or football, or whatever it is that left you tired out and maybe a little sore afterward, but you didn't care because you'd had a lot of fun?

It's kind of like that. I mean, let's face it, if you were a martian and watched a game of rugby without anyone telling you what it was, you'd probably think it was a fight and be horrified. But you know that those guys are actually having the times of their lives running around with a ball and plowing each other into the dirt. (At least, I sure HOPE they are!) So you don't freak out when you watch it.

You're welcome to ask me more about it, but I'm a random goer on tacit's LJ and don't want him to feel spammed.
(Anonymous)
Oct. 17th, 2010 06:09 am (UTC)
Guess I'm not even sure where I'd begin to ask about things. In re-reading the blog, I just never thought of it that way. I wouldn't mind learning at least the fundamentals. Gosh, what am I saying? I've always been a curious person by nature. So call me curious george. Is there a way we could correspond without spamming his page?
(Anonymous)
Feb. 3rd, 2012 07:53 pm (UTC)
Honestly I was raped when I was 15. And it was terrifying.
Now that I'm older I get insanly turned on from the idea of being "raped" by my master.
It's all person preference and opinion.
I think you should have fraised your comment some other way.
You're a closed minded person.
But remember you searched this up so you must have had some interest in the subject.
:)
(Anonymous)
Aug. 4th, 2012 02:58 pm (UTC)
Get over yourself. He states that there is a difference between the real act of rape and resistance play. And nobody asked you to join in. So shame on YOU for judging. Clearly this whole article makes it known that its for couples who both agree to do this. And he clearly says that its important to talk to your partner about it. This isnt a step by step how to rape someone whos unwilling. Jeez lighten up. I understand there are people out the who are victims of rape. And that is a terrible thing to have happen. But ghis is clearly not the same thing. Just sayin. :)
vernephil
Jan. 23rd, 2011 09:29 pm (UTC)
This must be one of the few LONG blog articles I've read in full and all of the comments in its entirety and enjoyed every second of it!

I found the comments uniquely insightful and intelligent as well, offering very charged views on this.

I find this lj extremely eye-opening and really appealing and insightful for healthy sexual exploration.

I've only touched/broached the surface of a few of these things but feel (I would like it to, at least) some of the information on this site has opened up great new doors of exploration.

This is like the "wikipedia of sex"!

Also, hearing the one commentor's sharing of being raped but liking the rape-fantasy-roleplay and the blatant distinction between the two has helped in validating some of the guilt I've felt about such (and other) fantasies.

I know I am not going to instantly get a full bdsm set of "gear" tomorrow, but I trust (and believe) that this knowledge (and more stuff on this site) has effectively dissolved some of the guilt, shame, and/or uncertainty (or communication) barriers that have prevented from having a safe but maximized sexual experience. I've had some amazing 100% a+ incredible sexual reference experiences, but have definitely fantasized about other things or been disgusted by other sexual outlets and this dispelled a lot of fallacious hype and aided in clarifying interests. Thanks!

This site/blog/knowledge-base/message what have you, seems all about sexual freedom, validation, and acceptance (and safety with that)! I like the author's interests too (atheism, computers, sex stuff -- what do you calll bdsm, resistance play, stimulation play -- just "alternative sex" or omething?). Anyways, thanks!

(also, Onyx looks REALLY awesome). I love the combination of code, programming, intelligence, and...well...sex. All makes this very healthy (and positively expansive) site, imho!
(Anonymous)
Dec. 13th, 2013 01:09 pm (UTC)
Ok so i am into this, i am a female.. my boy friend though...how to say this.. has said that he is a fan of bdsm life style, but we are at opposites here.. we're both during people in the everyday world so in our fantasy land we both like to belittled which there less the problem and he can't reach the amount of anger and ferocity I'm looking for. Any tips?
(Anonymous)
Apr. 30th, 2014 12:09 am (UTC)
I am A real Rape Victim and thought i was alone about having fantasy's but i want a safe word in my fantasy because i dont want something to trigger a memory and me to go into depression again
( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
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