May 22nd, 2010


Iron Man 2 in a Nutshell

I tried to avoid seeing this movie, really I did. Alas, in the end my own human weaknesses undid me; I was invited to it by a cute girl (and her boyfriend) and we all know the rest.

Iron Man 2 is a very Marvel Superheroes story--by which I mean bland, predictable, non-threatening, conservative, and more or less badly writte. The story goes something like this:

WARNING! Plot spoilers below!

Anton Vanko: I can teach you to make an arc reactor out of snow and empty vodka bottles.
Ivan Vanko: Cool. (He FEEDS his BIRD)
(Anton Vanko DIES)
Ivan Vanko: Nooooooooooooooo!! Do not want!
(He FEEDS his BIRD again)
Tony Stark: Yo! You love me, I love me, let's party!
Tony Stark's Medical Gizmo: LOL surprise buttsecks. You are dying of palladium poisoning!
Tony Stark: Oh, crap.
Science Consultant: Wait, what? Palladium is an inert metal, like gold and platinum. It isn't tox--
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I look like crap in this movie. Plus, I'm boring. And I have the charisma of a dead fish. What happened to my career? I used to do cool, quirky movies like Sliding Doors and Shakespeare in Love.
Tony Stark: I will make you CEO of my company.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
Tony Stark: I like Scarlett Johansson.
Garry Shandling: Give us the Iron Man suit.
Tony Stark: No.
Garry Shandling: Yes.
Tony Stark: No. I created world peace!
Audience: Wait, what? You're just one guy. You mean to tell me that people who aren't afraid of an aircraft carrier are afraid of just one guy?
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Tony Stark: I hate Justin Hammer.
Justin Hammer: I hate Tony Stark. Plus, I'm lame.
Tony Stark: I like car races.
Ivan Venko: I like car races.
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: No!
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Break his legs!
Ivan Venko: You will not break my legs.
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Pulverize his pelvis!
Ivan Venko: You will not pulverize my pelvis.
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Break his back!
Ivan Venko: You will not break my back.
Tony Stark: Wait, what? Why?
Ivan Venko: Because this movie has PG rating.
Hit-Girl: My movie Kick Ass has an R rating. By this point in MY movie, I've killed more people than Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs, and I'm, like, eight years old or something.
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: No!
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
(Tony Stark takes the SUITCASE, which unfolds and unfolds and unfolds into an IRON MAN SUIT)
Dr. Seuss: You TOTALLY stole that effect from my Star-Bellied Sneetches machine.
Tony Stark: Now I will kick your ass.
(Tony Stark FAILS to kick Ivan Venko's ASS)
Tony Stark: Nice try. If you would have rerouted the turboencabulator through the main deflector dish, you would totally have pwn3d me.
Ivan Venko: Hello! My name is Ivan Montoyavich. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die.
Tony Stark: Did not.
Ivan Venko: Did so.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh.
Ivan Venko: Uh-huh.
(The dialog WEDGES for a while, like a last-minute rewrite done by a summer intern in CRAYON)
Tony Stark: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Justin Hammer: I will give you a bird if you give me Iron Man suits.
Ivan Venko: I will give you Iron Man suits.
Ivan Venko: I will not give you Iron Man suits.
Justin Hammer: Wait, what?
Ivan Venko: I will give you killer robots.
Justin Hammer: Okay.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Gwyneth Paltrow: No.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Don Cheadle: No.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Scarlett Johansson: No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Stop eating donuts.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Samuel L. Jackson: Join my team.
Tony Stark: No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Scarlett Johansson is hot. Join my team.
Tony Stark: Her costume needs more cleavage. No.
Scarlett Johansson: This is a PG movie.
Tony Stark: Crap.
Samuel L. Jackson: You need me.
Tony Stark: Do not.
Samuel L. Jackson: Do so.
Tony Stark: Do not.
(The dialog WEDGES again)
Samuel L. Jackson: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Howard Stark: I totally knew fifty years ago that you'd get blown up in the Middle East, end up with shrapnel in your heart, and then surgically implant an arc reactor in yourself. I have the secret to stop you from dying of palladium poisoning.
Tony Stark: Cool.
Howard Stark: Also, I'm Walt Disney.
Tony Stark: Wait, what?
Howard Stark: Anton Vanko helped me invent the arc reactor. I kicked him out of the country because he wanted to make money.
Audience: Wait, what? Aren't you, like, a bajillionaire industrialist?
Howard Stark: ...
Tony Stark: Tell me the secret so I don't die.
Howard Stark: No. I'll just put a bunch of hidden clues in this big model train set. I sure hope nobody throws it away.
Tony Stark: I brought you strawberries!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I hate strawberries.
Scarlett Johansson: See me radiate an air of mystery and cunning, like Adam Sandler radiates fart jokes?
Tony Stark: Awkwardly, with bad comedic timing?
Scarlett Johansson: ...
Scarlett Johansson: Yes.
Tony Stark: I don't like your paperweight.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I like my paperweight.
(The dialog WEDGES again.)
Gwyneth Paltrow: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Scarlett Johansson: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Tony Stark: Hey, look! An old model train set!
(Tony Stark cuts his HOUSE in half with a PARTICLE ACCELERATOR)
Computer Voice: You just created a new element.
Audience: *facepalm*
Science Consultant: Compound. Not element. Compound.
Tony Stark: I just cut my house in half with a particle accelerator. I can call it what I want, four-eyes!
Michael Bay: I want to cut a house in half with a particle accelerator! And then make it EXPLODE!
Megan Fox: You are SO lame. Who do I have to blow to get off of the cast of Transformers 3?
Justin Hammer: Give me killer robots.
Ivan Venko: No.
Justin Hammer: Give me back my bird.
(He TAKES Ivan Venko's BIRD and his PILLOWS and his SHOES)
Ivan Venko: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Hammer.
Justin Hammer: I'm not going to die. PG movie, remember?
Ivan Venko: Crap.
Justin Hammer: Love me, love me.
Crowd of people: You are SO lame.
Justin Hammer: I have killer robots!
Crowd of people: Cool.
Tony Stark: 'Sup.
Don Cheadle: Yo.
(The KILLER ROBOTS go crazy. They shoot BOMBS and ROCKETS and stuff. Nobody DIES.)
Justin Hammer: I totally didn't see that coming.
Audience: We totally did.
Scarlett Johansson: Driver, take me to Justin Hammer's place. I will get undressed in the back of the car.
Driver: ...
Scarlett Johansson: You can't see my tits. This is a PG movie.
Driver: Crap.
Scarlett Johansson: Too bad. They're magnificent.
The Internet: We know.
(Scarlett Johansson KICKS a bunch of people's ASSES. Since this is a PG movie, they all live.)
Scarlett Johansson: Hey Tony, there's another killer robot chasing you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: That's no killer robot, it's a space station!
Ivan Venko: I will kill you now.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh.
Don Cheadle Nuh-uh.
(Tony Stark and Don Cheadle HIGH-FIVE and knock Ivan Venko over)
Ivan Venko: I will blow up myself and all the killer robots and I will kill you and Gwyneth Paltrow and thousands of other people.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh. This is a PG movie.
Ivan Venko: Oh, cra--
Gwyneth Paltrow: I don't like being CEO.
Tony Stark: Let us have a romantic moment full of bad chemistry and awkward dialog, like Padme and Anakin in that one Star Wars movie.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
Gwyneth Paltrow: This sucks. I'm calling my agent. I need to get out of this movie.
Tony Stark: Too late. Movie's over.
Gwyneth Paltrow: ...
Tony Stark: How do you think I feel? I'm a womanizer who never gets laid and a killing machine who never kills anyone.
Don Cheadle: That was the worst romantic interlude I've seen since that one Star Wars movie. I'm out of here.
Audience: So are we.