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Fragments of Los Angeles: Fucking Machines

I've always been fascinated by fucking machines. The idea of a mechanical contraption designed and built to fuck the person riding it, relentlessly and tirelessly, appeals to the mad scientist in me. In fact, I could easily see myself making a living designing and building fucking machines, were it not for the fact that I lack patience and attention to detail, two qualities of incalculable value in the performance of said job functions.

Indeed, I've always wanted to own a steam-powered fucking machine, because the notion of such a thing appeals to my sensibilities on so many levels. It strikes me as being at once quintessentially steampunk and also a repudiation of Victorian social mores; and besides, how awesome would it be to have a partner being fucked by an enormous, clanking machine with jets of steam issuing out of it, while I cackle with glee and scamper around tending to the boiler and oiling the various parts of the machine with an oil can?

Ahem. But I digress. In any event, such a machine would be impractically big and unreasonably dangerous, and conversations with physicsduck about the practical realities of such a machine soon dashed any hopes that I might one day own such a thing.

However, I still like fucking machines, and on my trip to Los Angeles I met a couple of folks who do make their living designing and selling such machines. And they gave me one. Which is--get this--designed to accommodate two people at once.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Monkey Rocker Tango:

The Monkey Rocker is a fucking machine without the machinery. It's built in a very clever way so that the top part glides back and forth, kind of like those gliding ottoman things that people put their feet on, only when this thing glides back and forth, it operates a lever connected in such a way that it moves up and down. The lever has a platform for mounting a dildo on it, and...well, you get the idea.

You can get a sense of how the dildos are mounted in this pic. It also comes with little adapter thingies that let you mount those dildos that use the Vac-U-Lock system that's more commonly used on some strap-ons, but in my experience the Vac-U-Lock dildos I've seen are crap, so I doubt I'll be using them:

So if a couple of people were to sit straddling this thing, say, either facing away from each other and holding the handles or facing toward each other and holding one another, and one of them should happen to move, or some uninvolved third party should happen to move the handles, then the two dildos would move up and down in what engineers and techy folks like to call a "reciprocal motion."

And if, just as a for example, the people on this machine were to, say, happen to be tied to it... well, I will leave the results, Gentle Readers, to your imaginations.

Which is not to say that I advocate tying people to fucking machines, except insofar as it sounds like a lot of fun, and I can think of a few folks who will likely find themselves tied to this one at some point in the indeterminate future, oh yes I can. And again, I digress.

Anyway, when i took this home from the airport in my tiny two-seat sports car, a process that necessitated removing the roof from the car and placing the box standing up in the passenger seat on account of the fact that I have no trunk to speak of, I was pleasantly surprised by the unboxing procedure.

The folks who designed and built this thing have an attention to detail that borders on the fanatic. Even the way it's boxed up, with custom-made pieces of foam rubber to hold it all in place, shows attention to detail; I've bought some big-ticket items from computer and appliance companies who could learn a thing or two about retail packaging from these guys.

Come to think of it, so could the guys at Ikea. Some assembly required, sure, but in this case "some assembly required" means "about thirty seconds with no tools." Seriously, the way this thing is designed makes the folks at Ikea look like a bunch of careless nutters with a hatchet.

Yet again, I digress.

Anyhow, the Tango is designed in such a way that as one dildo goes up, the other goes down, and vice versa, like so:

And the best thing about it is that it's silent. I mean like eerily silent. The better to hear the moans and screams of the people tied to it, I think. (That's one of the problems with the Sybian, by the way; I've seen those things used at many play parties, and they sound like a freight train loaded with bowling balls colliding at high speed with a cement mixer full of marbles. What's the point of strapping your favorite Innocent Victim to a relentless mechanical fucking apparatus if you can't savor every little gasp and scream?)

Liam the kittycat quickly discovered that the assembled device is exactly the right size for a Secret Lair of his own, and has taken to lurking beneath it and, I don't know, plotting the invasion of France or something.


( 51 comments — Leave a comment )
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Oct. 1st, 2008 04:55 pm (UTC)
This has been the best post on my flist in recent history!

This is AWESOME.
Oct. 1st, 2008 06:24 pm (UTC)
I second that!
Oct. 1st, 2008 04:57 pm (UTC)
I imagine the Liam would be very startled were it to be in use. :)
Oct. 16th, 2008 01:40 pm (UTC)
Hee! Liam is often startled by sudden motion or loud noises, so I reckon you're quite right.
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:02 pm (UTC)
Um.. LJ CUT? Please?!
Some of us read this at work...
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:12 pm (UTC)
Been cut now. :)
(no subject) - visudo - Oct. 1st, 2008 10:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - james_the_evil1 - Oct. 2nd, 2008 06:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - gipsieee - Oct. 2nd, 2008 07:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
hehehee- the kitty wants to be where all the action is? ;)
Oct. 3rd, 2008 05:56 pm (UTC)
I suspect that once the action starts, he'll quickly reconsider...
(no subject) - skitten - Oct. 3rd, 2008 06:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - tacit - Oct. 3rd, 2008 07:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - skitten - Oct. 3rd, 2008 07:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
This calls for a whole new category of LOLCAT captioning...
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:07 pm (UTC)
well I'm sure it's a type of "pussy control" they didn't mention on the box
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
Most photos of fucking machines don't have a pussy under the machine :-)

Very cool toy. They had the single rider version at Mr. S when we were there last weekend.

We'll be showing off some home-made fucking machines at APEX in Phoenix on Monday night. We also do a two-girl / two-sybian scene, and while it is very loud, you can usually hear the girls over the motors. Usually.

Oct. 1st, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC)
That description of the Sybian almost made me lose a keyboard. Well done.

And this thing is fucking awesome.
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:14 pm (UTC)
My goodness! Such perversity! I *adore* seeing that much perversity!
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
Congrats. :D

I want free stuff! Apparently I need to go visit LA. :)
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
I have two words, linear motor.

Pros: Quite, strong, as fast or slow as needed, programmable, lots of tinker capability.
Cons: Not cheap, programing, needs electricity.
(Deleted comment)
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
Wow, Mama! Your training is paying off in spades! I barely recognize you from the icon.

Congrats on getting all strong n' stuff!
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - catalyticdragon - Oct. 1st, 2008 06:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:48 pm (UTC)
They freaking GAVE you one?
If I was a girl, I'd be jealous. LOL

Presumably, you have a girl or two to share this with. And if you do, then I'm still jealous. LOL
Oct. 1st, 2008 09:24 pm (UTC)
Re: They freaking GAVE you one?
if is was a girl.....
I AM a girl!!!!

I am still jealous though.
Oct. 1st, 2008 05:58 pm (UTC)
and besides, how awesome would it be to have a partner being fucked by an enormous, clanking machine with jets of steam issuing out of it, while I cackle with glee and scamper around tending to the boiler and oiling the various parts of the machine with an oil can?

*sighs frustratedly*

*gets really peeved again at husband for forgetting to pack the Magic Wand for a two-month trip*
Oct. 1st, 2008 06:00 pm (UTC)
I'm totally envious now ^_^

That looks like a LOT of fun . . . I trust you'll provide your Gentle Readers with detailed annals of its usage? *grins*

-- A <3
Oct. 1st, 2008 06:23 pm (UTC)
That is my new favorite thing ever. I love the helpful robots, and this combines the charms of a helpful robot with the simplicity of my favorite playground equipment (the 2-person gondola swing, natch).
Oct. 1st, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
alright alright I'll see if I can work together some manner of steam-powered setup in my 2009 season for you.

And, speaking of robots.....oh just wait until you see the toy I have coming online in two weeks. If you'd like a sneak preview, check my lj and note the past few "Project Jeff" videos.

*BIG* robot.

VERY precise controls. :)

and the BIG GNARLY BOLTS set into the floor in a 10-foot square aren't for anchoring machines.

They're for victi- er volunteers.


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( 51 comments — Leave a comment )