After hours of poking, swabbing, prodding, X-raying, and "hmm"ing, the diagnosis is: antibiotic-resistant pneumonia.
Fuck me dead.
The doctor is taking it seriously and treating it aggressively. My kitchen counter now looks like I knocked over a pharmacy. Two different steroids, two different antibiotics, one shot in the ass (that burns like a motherfucker), an inhaler, industrial-strength cough medicine, some foul-tasting bright-orange pills that I don't even know what they are, two different OTC cough medicines and expectorants that my doctor suggested, and another appointment to go in next week for further evaluation. Hundred and seven bucks for all the prescriptions, and my insurance paid more than twice that.
Apparently it's going around. Doctor told me I was the third case of antibiotic-resistant pneumonia she'd seen today. Ye gods.
You know it's bad when you've been too sick even to be horny.