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Iron Man 2 in a Nutshell

I tried to avoid seeing this movie, really I did. Alas, in the end my own human weaknesses undid me; I was invited to it by a cute girl (and her boyfriend) and we all know the rest.

Iron Man 2 is a very Marvel Superheroes story--by which I mean bland, predictable, non-threatening, conservative, and more or less badly writte. The story goes something like this:

WARNING! Plot spoilers below!

Anton Vanko: I can teach you to make an arc reactor out of snow and empty vodka bottles.
Ivan Vanko: Cool. (He FEEDS his BIRD)
(Anton Vanko DIES)
Ivan Vanko: Nooooooooooooooo!! Do not want!
(He FEEDS his BIRD again)
Tony Stark: Yo! You love me, I love me, let's party!
Tony Stark's Medical Gizmo: LOL surprise buttsecks. You are dying of palladium poisoning!
Tony Stark: Oh, crap.
Science Consultant: Wait, what? Palladium is an inert metal, like gold and platinum. It isn't tox--
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I look like crap in this movie. Plus, I'm boring. And I have the charisma of a dead fish. What happened to my career? I used to do cool, quirky movies like Sliding Doors and Shakespeare in Love.
Tony Stark: I will make you CEO of my company.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
Tony Stark: I like Scarlett Johansson.
Garry Shandling: Give us the Iron Man suit.
Tony Stark: No.
Garry Shandling: Yes.
Tony Stark: No. I created world peace!
Audience: Wait, what? You're just one guy. You mean to tell me that people who aren't afraid of an aircraft carrier are afraid of just one guy?
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Tony Stark: I hate Justin Hammer.
Justin Hammer: I hate Tony Stark. Plus, I'm lame.
Tony Stark: I like car races.
Ivan Venko: I like car races.
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: No!
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Break his legs!
Ivan Venko: You will not break my legs.
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Pulverize his pelvis!
Ivan Venko: You will not pulverize my pelvis.
Tony Stark: Hit him with the car again! Break his back!
Ivan Venko: You will not break my back.
Tony Stark: Wait, what? Why?
Ivan Venko: Because this movie has PG rating.
Hit-Girl: My movie Kick Ass has an R rating. By this point in MY movie, I've killed more people than Mr. Blonde in Reservoir Dogs, and I'm, like, eight years old or something.
Jon Favreau: STFU.
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: No!
Tony Stark: Give me the suitcase!
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
(Tony Stark takes the SUITCASE, which unfolds and unfolds and unfolds into an IRON MAN SUIT)
Dr. Seuss: You TOTALLY stole that effect from my Star-Bellied Sneetches machine.
Tony Stark: Now I will kick your ass.
(Tony Stark FAILS to kick Ivan Venko's ASS)
Tony Stark: Nice try. If you would have rerouted the turboencabulator through the main deflector dish, you would totally have pwn3d me.
Ivan Venko: Hello! My name is Ivan Montoyavich. Your father killed my father. Prepare to die.
Tony Stark: Did not.
Ivan Venko: Did so.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh.
Ivan Venko: Uh-huh.
(The dialog WEDGES for a while, like a last-minute rewrite done by a summer intern in CRAYON)
Tony Stark: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Justin Hammer: I will give you a bird if you give me Iron Man suits.
Ivan Venko: I will give you Iron Man suits.
Ivan Venko: I will not give you Iron Man suits.
Justin Hammer: Wait, what?
Ivan Venko: I will give you killer robots.
Justin Hammer: Okay.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Gwyneth Paltrow: No.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Don Cheadle: No.
Tony Stark: Is this party jamming or what?
Scarlett Johansson: No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Stop eating donuts.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Samuel L. Jackson: Join my team.
Tony Stark: No.
Samuel L. Jackson: Scarlett Johansson is hot. Join my team.
Tony Stark: Her costume needs more cleavage. No.
Scarlett Johansson: This is a PG movie.
Tony Stark: Crap.
Samuel L. Jackson: You need me.
Tony Stark: Do not.
Samuel L. Jackson: Do so.
Tony Stark: Do not.
(The dialog WEDGES again)
Samuel L. Jackson: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Howard Stark: I totally knew fifty years ago that you'd get blown up in the Middle East, end up with shrapnel in your heart, and then surgically implant an arc reactor in yourself. I have the secret to stop you from dying of palladium poisoning.
Tony Stark: Cool.
Howard Stark: Also, I'm Walt Disney.
Tony Stark: Wait, what?
Howard Stark: Anton Vanko helped me invent the arc reactor. I kicked him out of the country because he wanted to make money.
Audience: Wait, what? Aren't you, like, a bajillionaire industrialist?
Howard Stark: ...
Tony Stark: Tell me the secret so I don't die.
Howard Stark: No. I'll just put a bunch of hidden clues in this big model train set. I sure hope nobody throws it away.
Tony Stark: I brought you strawberries!
Gwyneth Paltrow: I hate strawberries.
Scarlett Johansson: See me radiate an air of mystery and cunning, like Adam Sandler radiates fart jokes?
Tony Stark: Awkwardly, with bad comedic timing?
Scarlett Johansson: ...
Scarlett Johansson: Yes.
Tony Stark: I don't like your paperweight.
Gwyneth Paltrow: I like my paperweight.
(The dialog WEDGES again.)
Gwyneth Paltrow: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Scarlett Johansson: This dialog sucks. I'm out of here.
Tony Stark: Hey, look! An old model train set!
(Tony Stark cuts his HOUSE in half with a PARTICLE ACCELERATOR)
Computer Voice: You just created a new element.
Audience: *facepalm*
Science Consultant: Compound. Not element. Compound.
Tony Stark: I just cut my house in half with a particle accelerator. I can call it what I want, four-eyes!
Michael Bay: I want to cut a house in half with a particle accelerator! And then make it EXPLODE!
Megan Fox: You are SO lame. Who do I have to blow to get off of the cast of Transformers 3?
Justin Hammer: Give me killer robots.
Ivan Venko: No.
Justin Hammer: Give me back my bird.
(He TAKES Ivan Venko's BIRD and his PILLOWS and his SHOES)
Ivan Venko: I'm going to enjoy watching you die, Mr. Hammer.
Justin Hammer: I'm not going to die. PG movie, remember?
Ivan Venko: Crap.
Justin Hammer: Love me, love me.
Crowd of people: You are SO lame.
Justin Hammer: I have killer robots!
Crowd of people: Cool.
Tony Stark: 'Sup.
Don Cheadle: Yo.
(The KILLER ROBOTS go crazy. They shoot BOMBS and ROCKETS and stuff. Nobody DIES.)
Justin Hammer: I totally didn't see that coming.
Audience: We totally did.
Scarlett Johansson: Driver, take me to Justin Hammer's place. I will get undressed in the back of the car.
Driver: ...
Scarlett Johansson: You can't see my tits. This is a PG movie.
Driver: Crap.
Scarlett Johansson: Too bad. They're magnificent.
The Internet: We know.
(Scarlett Johansson KICKS a bunch of people's ASSES. Since this is a PG movie, they all live.)
Scarlett Johansson: Hey Tony, there's another killer robot chasing you.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: That's no killer robot, it's a space station!
Ivan Venko: I will kill you now.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh.
Don Cheadle Nuh-uh.
(Tony Stark and Don Cheadle HIGH-FIVE and knock Ivan Venko over)
Ivan Venko: I will blow up myself and all the killer robots and I will kill you and Gwyneth Paltrow and thousands of other people.
Tony Stark: Nuh-uh. This is a PG movie.
Ivan Venko: Oh, cra--
Gwyneth Paltrow: I don't like being CEO.
Tony Stark: Let us have a romantic moment full of bad chemistry and awkward dialog, like Padme and Anakin in that one Star Wars movie.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Okay.
Gwyneth Paltrow: This sucks. I'm calling my agent. I need to get out of this movie.
Tony Stark: Too late. Movie's over.
Gwyneth Paltrow: ...
Tony Stark: How do you think I feel? I'm a womanizer who never gets laid and a killing machine who never kills anyone.
Don Cheadle: That was the worst romantic interlude I've seen since that one Star Wars movie. I'm out of here.
Audience: So are we.


( 17 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 23rd, 2010 04:32 am (UTC)
I have so much love for you.

Thank you.

Your internets will be arriving by pony express once we figure out how to get the really sparkly shoes on their hooves.
May. 23rd, 2010 04:46 am (UTC)
I have to pick a nit -- depending on the byproducts created as the palladium was used to fuel the reactor, it might very well become toxic. (Not that I have any idea how likely that would be...)
May. 23rd, 2010 08:44 am (UTC)
I have a problem now. The problem is that I had no urge to view this movie at all until you wrote about it, and now I'm actually tempted to see it to find out what you're on about. Bad!

The Padme/Anakin scene is the only time I've ever been in a cinema and not only heard the film being heckled, but the heckler get a round of applause.

In the midst of said cringingly awful scene, Anakin says something along the lines of 'you don't know how painful this is for me'
Some guy in the audience, quick as lightning yells 'we do!' - apparently voicing the thought of the entire theatre, since we all broke into spontaneous applause. It restored a little bit of my faith in human nature!
May. 23rd, 2010 11:16 am (UTC)
Disappointing, but not unexpected. I guess I can wait for it to show up on Netflix.
May. 23rd, 2010 12:56 pm (UTC)
this was hilarious.
May. 23rd, 2010 01:04 pm (UTC)
You? Crazy.
Iron Man 2? Awesome.
May. 23rd, 2010 03:19 pm (UTC)
Howard Stark: Also, I'm Walt Disney.

EXACTLY. That is exactly what was lurking in my subconscious about that scene!
May. 23rd, 2010 04:13 pm (UTC)
At least the company was cute?
May. 23rd, 2010 11:08 pm (UTC)
Don't knock the driver
The driver (Happy) is the Director (Jon Favreau)... Oh, wait... mock away...
May. 23rd, 2010 11:11 pm (UTC)
Bwahaha I had to wait until after I'd seen the movie to read this. :D Most epic. And totally on point.
May. 23rd, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
Fuckin' hilarious. I'm soooo linking this.
May. 24th, 2010 01:32 am (UTC)
my thought was: Why on earth would the navy need people-shaped killer drones? wouldn't ship-shaped ones be more useful?

wait, we *already* have killer robot drones.. they're plane shaped, tho. ::scratches head in puzzlement::

I *do* want my own powered suit tho...that would rock. :P
May. 25th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
And they are very effective! Hollywood could take a lesson.
May. 24th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
It could be worse..
there could be Scottish Vikings in it.
May. 25th, 2010 01:23 pm (UTC)
LOL! Now I don't have to see the movie.
Jun. 4th, 2010 09:20 pm (UTC)
Dude, you're forgetting: the litmus test for including something in a movie based on a comic (or video game... or any action flick, really) is not "does this make sense?" it is "is this AWESOME?!"

Iron Man 2 made me gape at the screen and go "AWESOME!" a lot. Therefore it succeeded. :D

But then, I love movies where stuff blows up.

Even so, this retelling made me LOL so hard. I'm glad I'm working from home today.
Jun. 4th, 2010 10:18 pm (UTC)
Wierd. Usually I find that conservatively written movies are better, and more interesting...and much more believable. But thanks for saving me the effort.
( 17 comments — Leave a comment )