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I don't normally consider movie reviews as a form of public service bulletin, but in this particular case, I have to make an exception.

zaiah and I just went to see the movie "Skyline," based only on its tailer on Apple's Web site. The trailer promised spaceships and space monsters and global invasion and cool aerial dogfights and stuff, so we figured, how could we go wrong? Other than, y'know, Independence Day. But that's neither here nor there.

Elsewhere in my journal, I have occasionally said bad things about other movies. I take them all back--and heap them on this one. Compared to this disaster, Independence Day is Faust. Hell, compared to this disaster, a badly-edited cell-phone recording of a bunch of grade school kids doing an impromptu production of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall in the back of a 1977 Chevy panel van on their way to Six Flags is Faust.

I literally can not remember the name of a single character in this movie.

There are spoilers below. You can skip them if you want to. I recommend that you read it anyway. I'm about to save you at least ten dollars.


(Opening scene: Downtown Los Angeles. Blue glowing stuff starts falling out of the sky.)
Random chick in bed: Is it morning? It must be morning. There's blue glowing stuff coming in through the windows. That means it's morning, right?
(The RANDOM CHICK gets out of bed and THROWS UP)
Audience: Eww, really?
Random guy in bed: There's blue going stuff coming in through the window. I'll go see what's up.
(The RANDOM GUY gets out of bed and goes into the LIVING ROOM)
Random chick: There's another random guy who's gone!
Random guy: Huh?
Audience: Huh?
(The RANDOM GUY looks out the WINDOW)
Random guy: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Audience: Huh?
Script Writer: Err, maybe this is a bad way to start a movie.
Director: It's a movie about rap stars versus space monsters! There's no bad way to start a movie like that.
Script Writer: The audience doesn't know that these are rap stars.
Director: Oh, right. Maybe it's time to do a flashback!
(They DO a FLASHBACK)
Random guy: We are on an airplane going to Los Angeles.
Random chick Indeed. Here we are. Airplane. Los Angeles.
Random guy: Watch as I help a lady with her bag. That way the audience will know that they are supposed to care about me.
(He helps a LADY with her BAG)
Random chick Watch as I stake my territory on the random guy. That way the audience will know they should care about me too.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Hey, black dude! Let us engage in friendly banter to show the audience that we are old buddies and you're a famous and successful rap star!
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Indeed, let us do this thing! And let me introduce you to the blonde chick, who is my girlfriend, and the brunette chick, who is my photographer! By the way, I'm cheating on my girlfriend. I say this to let the audience know they are not supposed to care about me.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Now watch as I hit on your girlfriend!
(He HITS ON the RANDOM CHICK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT)
Asshole dude: Hi there! I'm an asshole. Hey, random dude we're supposed to care about, your girlfriend is totally hot! Congratulations on dumping her and moving here to go to work for us.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Yeah, listen, about that. First, I'm cheating on my girlfriend. And second, I'd really like it if you could see your way clear to dumping your girlfriend and coming here to go to work for me.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: I'm pregnant.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Is this the character development part of the movie? Because I'm not very good at that.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Sorry, I was just in your bathroom cheating on my girlfriend.
(They all go to SLEEP)
(BLUE GLOWING STUFF starts FALLING out of the SKY)
Asshole dude: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
(He gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Is it morning? It must be morning. There's blue glowing stuff coming in through the windows. That means it's morning, right?
(The RANDOM CHICK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT gets out of bed and THROWS UP)
Audience: Eww, really?
Random guy we're supposed to care about: There's blue going stuff coming in through the window. I'll go see what's up.
Random chick we're not supposed to care about: The asshole dude is gone!
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: You should not get eaten by a space monster.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Okay.
(The BLUE GLOWING STUFF goes away)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: I am going to get my gun and go on the roof.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I am going to grab a camera from that brunette chick you're cheating on your girlfriend with and go on the roof.
Old guy with a dog: Where are you going?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: On the roof.
(They GO on the ROOF)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Look! Giant space monster motherships!
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I will take pictures of the giant space monster motherships..
(He TAKES PICTURES of the GIANT SPACE MONSTER MOTHERSHIPS)
(LITTLE FLYING SPACE MONSTERS start FLYING AROUND and EATING PEOPLE)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: There are little flying space monsters flying around eating people. I sure wish you wouldn't have locked us on the roof.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: There's a helipad on this roof, and the only door off the roof is a service door that locks automatically? Who designed this building, the Three Stooges?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Dude, this is LA.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Oh, right.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: I will open the door for you. Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: You should not get eaten by a space monster.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Okay.
M. Night Shyamalan: Wait, what? I recognize this movie! It's "The Happening," only with space monsters instead of trees!
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: I am going to go talk to the old guy with the dog.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Audience: Huh?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Can I have the keys to your car?
Old guy with a dog: Huh? No!
(A FLYING SPACE MONSTER pokes TENTACLES into the APARTMENT)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Look! A flying space monster is poking tentacles into your apartment!
(The OLD GUY WITH THE DOG gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: I got the old guy with the dog's keys! I think we should drive to the marina and take my boat out of here.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: That's a terrible idea.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Great! Let's go!
Blond chick we're not supposed to care about: You're cheating on me. You and your girlfriend take the Ferrari. We'll take the old guy with the dog's car.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Okay.
(They drive out of the GARAGE. A SPACE MONSTER smashes the FERRARI and EATS the BRUNETTE CHICK)
Producer: Dude! You just smashed a Ferrari! Is that what you're doing with my money? Seriously?
Director: Don't worry. This movie will be a huge hit. It's about rap stars versus space monsters! How can it not be?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Don't let me get eaten by a space monster.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I won't.
(The BLACK DUDE WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: My bad.
(The SPACE MONSTER eats some more RANDOM EXTRAS in the GARAGE)
(The BUILDING SUPER runs over the SPACE MONSTER in a MERCEDES)
Building Super: Let's go upstairs to the penthouse.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Why?
Building Super: Because we'll be safe there. The only way the space monsters could get us is if they could fly.
Audience: ...
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I have an idea! Let's go to the marina and take a boat out of here.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: That's a terrible idea.
(Lots of AIR FORCE DRONES fly by outside and fight DOGFIGHTS with the FLYING SPACE MONSTERS)
(They NUKE one of the GIANT SPACE MONSTER MOTHERSHIPS)
Building Super: Look! They made the space monsters angry!
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Okay, I have another idea. How about we go to the marina and take a boat out of here?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: That's not another idea, it's the same idea.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Look, there are helicopters dropping Marines on the roof! Let's go on the roof.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Okay.
Building Super: That's a terrible idea.
(The characters we are supposed to CARE ABOUT go on the ROOF)
Blond chick we're not supposed to care about: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
(She gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Building Super: I want to blow myself up.
(He TRIES to BLOW HIMSELF UP. Nothing HAPPENS)
Building Super: Oh, wait, now I remember how to use a cigarette lighter.
(He BLOWS HIMSELF UP)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I have an axe.
(He gets ATTACKED by a SPACE MONSTER)
(The RANDOM CHICK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT kills the SPACE MONSTER with the AXE)
Audience: Wait, what? These space monsters can shrug off a nuclear bomb, but you can kill them with an axe?
(The SPACE MONSTER comes back to LIFE)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Now I am angry. I will kill the space monster again with my bare hands.
(He KILLS the SPACE MONSTER with his BARE HANDS)
Audience: *facepalm*
(A BLUE LIGHT appears in the SKY)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Me too.
(They get EATEN by SPACE MONSTERS)
Director Aaaaand....ACTION!
Producer Who are you saying 'action' to? All of the characters have been eaten by space monsters.
Director ...
Script Writer: We could show what happens to the people after they get eaten by the space monsters!
Producer: Eww.
(We see the INSIDE OF THE MOTHERSHIP. The SPACE MONSTERS are BITING OFF PEOPLE'S HEADS and SLURPING OUT THEIR BRAINS and PUTTING THE BRAINS into ROBOT BODIES)
Audience: ...
Audience: Wait, what?
(The SPACE MONSTERS slurp out the BRAIN of the RANDOM GUY WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT and put his BRAIN into a ROBOT BODY)
Audience: ...
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Now I have a robot body. Ho ho ho.
(The movie ENDS)

You may thank me profusely for all the money I've just saved you.


Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
matthew_g
Nov. 13th, 2010 01:38 pm (UTC)
I will add the $10 to the mental tab of what I owe you :) Amusingly, it may well be the smallest thing on that list, given the quality of information you generally dispense :D
zaiah
Nov. 13th, 2010 01:46 pm (UTC)
Building Super: Look! They made the space monsters angry! ..this was actually RGWSTCA.

..and final scene was RGWSTCA "Now I have a robot body. Ho ho ho. I will use my robot body to stop my annoying girlfriend from getting her pregnant body ravaged by tentacle space alien monsters. Also, my multi-eyes are red and not blue like the other space alien robots who also ate human brains.. because I am undefined-ly special and different and ready to take more money from you in my sequel."
zotmeister
Nov. 23rd, 2010 03:49 am (UTC)
Congratulations! You've used an expression, and Google has ZERO HITS on it! Way to go! Truly out of this world! And you even assumed the readers know what it means. Kudos! - ZM
sylphon
Nov. 13th, 2010 04:00 pm (UTC)
Given that I was going to be suckered in by the same movie ad, my wallet thanks you :-)
strega42
Nov. 13th, 2010 04:03 pm (UTC)
But, were the special effects technically well-done? Because I'll pay $10 dollars for that, and not feel disappointed if I know ahead of time that there is no real plot.

Oh, wait... I did that already. It was called Avatar.
fx4
Nov. 13th, 2010 04:46 pm (UTC)
hmmmm.... the Tron trailers look good too
6_bleen_7
Nov. 13th, 2010 06:44 pm (UTC)
Assuming that the audience reactions are part of the movie, I would much rather see your version than the real movie.
chipuni
Nov. 13th, 2010 08:35 pm (UTC)
Yes, but what about the dog?! We know that the Old Man (With the Dog) got eaten... but didn't the dog escape?

Isn't the dog going to bring together a rag-tag group of lovable (but slightly bedraggled) animals and do what the humans couldn't: save Earth from the aliens?
wanted_a_pony
Nov. 14th, 2010 12:22 am (UTC)
< snrk > I enjoyed your script more than just about anything I've watched lately!

The ["Skyline"] trailer promised spaceships and space monsters and global invasion and cool aerial dogfights and stuff, so we figured, how could we go wrong?

Sadly, this is indeed how my DH & I get suckered into most movies. Thank you for the wonderfully timely PSA.
polymorphism
Nov. 14th, 2010 06:28 am (UTC)
You have to admit it is a very pretty shade of blue.

Sadly, I have already gone to see that stinking crapheap of a movie.
quaryn_dk
Nov. 14th, 2010 04:03 pm (UTC)
Wow, this movie was so bad I couldn't even bear to read your recap of it!
savageron
Nov. 16th, 2010 03:04 pm (UTC)
Oddly enough, I didn't think the movie was that bad.
In fact no worse than other things I've seen you say positive things about.

I can only wonder at your motivation for writing this review; as entertaining as it may be.

Essentially it's a mindless violence action film with aliens. I don't think it ever pretended to be anything more than that in it's trailer. I would heap praise upon it because it lived up to it's billing and was what it said; other than the dozens of American films each year which promise to be witty and intelligent and utterly lie.

It was a movie filled with special effects; many of which looked really nice.
It was suitably filled with the realism of "that's about all the chance humans have in this situation" which I really liked. I'm sick of happy endings.

I agree you never really care about any of the characters, but I'm glad I didn't read the spoilers til after I'd seen it.
I'm also glad I didn't take your opinion as fact.
tacit
Nov. 18th, 2010 03:16 am (UTC)
I can only wonder at your motivation for writing this review; as entertaining as it may be.

I assure you, my motivations were strictly impure. I hear chicks dig it if you save them some dough on a bad movie. :)

The movie was filled with special effects, no doubt about it. In fact, it's a great example of what happens if you allow the FX technicians rather than the writers, directors, or actors to have the lead role in moviemaking. I'm not sure I'd call them really nice; a lot of them seemed to fall into the Star Trek "well, we can't really imagine what this would be like, so we'll just put a glowing blob there and add a lot of lens flare" approach to dramatic visualization. I think that's a bit of a cop-out, though I can understand why folks do it--visualization is hard!

In any event, I'm glad you enjoyed the show.
james_the_evil1
Nov. 16th, 2010 11:15 pm (UTC)
Don't tell datan0de that the whole point is putting human brains in robot bodies, he'll be rushing around looking for blue lights to stare at.
jonnymoon
Nov. 18th, 2010 12:14 am (UTC)
Thank you.

No, seriously. Thank you.
emanix
Nov. 18th, 2010 03:37 pm (UTC)
Dammit, somehow your bad movie reviews always make me want to watch the dratted film, just to find out what you're on about.

Bad Franklin, no cookie! (Though you might qualify for other things)
lazy_usagi
Nov. 19th, 2010 08:09 pm (UTC)
I laughed so much at your summary that I had to look for a trailer to put some images on it. I found this literal trailer which is also pretty funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNX2yyt7Ut0
tacit
Nov. 20th, 2010 04:10 am (UTC)
Oh my god, that is funny!
blogtodiffer
Nov. 23rd, 2010 04:05 am (UTC)
More evidence the wrong people are making movies...
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )