Franklin Veaux (tacit) wrote,
Franklin Veaux
tacit

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We interrupt this stream of travel-posts for a very important message

I don't normally consider movie reviews as a form of public service bulletin, but in this particular case, I have to make an exception.

zaiah and I just went to see the movie "Skyline," based only on its tailer on Apple's Web site. The trailer promised spaceships and space monsters and global invasion and cool aerial dogfights and stuff, so we figured, how could we go wrong? Other than, y'know, Independence Day. But that's neither here nor there.

Elsewhere in my journal, I have occasionally said bad things about other movies. I take them all back--and heap them on this one. Compared to this disaster, Independence Day is Faust. Hell, compared to this disaster, a badly-edited cell-phone recording of a bunch of grade school kids doing an impromptu production of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall in the back of a 1977 Chevy panel van on their way to Six Flags is Faust.

I literally can not remember the name of a single character in this movie.

There are spoilers below. You can skip them if you want to. I recommend that you read it anyway. I'm about to save you at least ten dollars.


(Opening scene: Downtown Los Angeles. Blue glowing stuff starts falling out of the sky.)
Random chick in bed: Is it morning? It must be morning. There's blue glowing stuff coming in through the windows. That means it's morning, right?
(The RANDOM CHICK gets out of bed and THROWS UP)
Audience: Eww, really?
Random guy in bed: There's blue going stuff coming in through the window. I'll go see what's up.
(The RANDOM GUY gets out of bed and goes into the LIVING ROOM)
Random chick: There's another random guy who's gone!
Random guy: Huh?
Audience: Huh?
(The RANDOM GUY looks out the WINDOW)
Random guy: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Audience: Huh?
Script Writer: Err, maybe this is a bad way to start a movie.
Director: It's a movie about rap stars versus space monsters! There's no bad way to start a movie like that.
Script Writer: The audience doesn't know that these are rap stars.
Director: Oh, right. Maybe it's time to do a flashback!
(They DO a FLASHBACK)
Random guy: We are on an airplane going to Los Angeles.
Random chick Indeed. Here we are. Airplane. Los Angeles.
Random guy: Watch as I help a lady with her bag. That way the audience will know that they are supposed to care about me.
(He helps a LADY with her BAG)
Random chick Watch as I stake my territory on the random guy. That way the audience will know they should care about me too.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Hey, black dude! Let us engage in friendly banter to show the audience that we are old buddies and you're a famous and successful rap star!
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Indeed, let us do this thing! And let me introduce you to the blonde chick, who is my girlfriend, and the brunette chick, who is my photographer! By the way, I'm cheating on my girlfriend. I say this to let the audience know they are not supposed to care about me.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Now watch as I hit on your girlfriend!
(He HITS ON the RANDOM CHICK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT)
Asshole dude: Hi there! I'm an asshole. Hey, random dude we're supposed to care about, your girlfriend is totally hot! Congratulations on dumping her and moving here to go to work for us.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Yeah, listen, about that. First, I'm cheating on my girlfriend. And second, I'd really like it if you could see your way clear to dumping your girlfriend and coming here to go to work for me.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: I'm pregnant.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Is this the character development part of the movie? Because I'm not very good at that.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Sorry, I was just in your bathroom cheating on my girlfriend.
(They all go to SLEEP)
(BLUE GLOWING STUFF starts FALLING out of the SKY)
Asshole dude: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
(He gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Is it morning? It must be morning. There's blue glowing stuff coming in through the windows. That means it's morning, right?
(The RANDOM CHICK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT gets out of bed and THROWS UP)
Audience: Eww, really?
Random guy we're supposed to care about: There's blue going stuff coming in through the window. I'll go see what's up.
Random chick we're not supposed to care about: The asshole dude is gone!
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: You should not get eaten by a space monster.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Okay.
(The BLUE GLOWING STUFF goes away)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: I am going to get my gun and go on the roof.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I am going to grab a camera from that brunette chick you're cheating on your girlfriend with and go on the roof.
Old guy with a dog: Where are you going?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: On the roof.
(They GO on the ROOF)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Look! Giant space monster motherships!
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I will take pictures of the giant space monster motherships..
(He TAKES PICTURES of the GIANT SPACE MONSTER MOTHERSHIPS)
(LITTLE FLYING SPACE MONSTERS start FLYING AROUND and EATING PEOPLE)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: There are little flying space monsters flying around eating people. I sure wish you wouldn't have locked us on the roof.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: There's a helipad on this roof, and the only door off the roof is a service door that locks automatically? Who designed this building, the Three Stooges?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Dude, this is LA.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Oh, right.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: I will open the door for you. Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: You should not get eaten by a space monster.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Okay.
M. Night Shyamalan: Wait, what? I recognize this movie! It's "The Happening," only with space monsters instead of trees!
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: I am going to go talk to the old guy with the dog.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Huh?
Audience: Huh?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Can I have the keys to your car?
Old guy with a dog: Huh? No!
(A FLYING SPACE MONSTER pokes TENTACLES into the APARTMENT)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Look! A flying space monster is poking tentacles into your apartment!
(The OLD GUY WITH THE DOG gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: I got the old guy with the dog's keys! I think we should drive to the marina and take my boat out of here.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: That's a terrible idea.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Great! Let's go!
Blond chick we're not supposed to care about: You're cheating on me. You and your girlfriend take the Ferrari. We'll take the old guy with the dog's car.
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Okay.
(They drive out of the GARAGE. A SPACE MONSTER smashes the FERRARI and EATS the BRUNETTE CHICK)
Producer: Dude! You just smashed a Ferrari! Is that what you're doing with my money? Seriously?
Director: Don't worry. This movie will be a huge hit. It's about rap stars versus space monsters! How can it not be?
Black dude we're not supposed to care about: Don't let me get eaten by a space monster.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I won't.
(The BLACK DUDE WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: My bad.
(The SPACE MONSTER eats some more RANDOM EXTRAS in the GARAGE)
(The BUILDING SUPER runs over the SPACE MONSTER in a MERCEDES)
Building Super: Let's go upstairs to the penthouse.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Why?
Building Super: Because we'll be safe there. The only way the space monsters could get us is if they could fly.
Audience: ...
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I have an idea! Let's go to the marina and take a boat out of here.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: That's a terrible idea.
(Lots of AIR FORCE DRONES fly by outside and fight DOGFIGHTS with the FLYING SPACE MONSTERS)
(They NUKE one of the GIANT SPACE MONSTER MOTHERSHIPS)
Building Super: Look! They made the space monsters angry!
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Okay, I have another idea. How about we go to the marina and take a boat out of here?
Random chick we're supposed to care about: That's not another idea, it's the same idea.
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Look, there are helicopters dropping Marines on the roof! Let's go on the roof.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Okay.
Building Super: That's a terrible idea.
(The characters we are supposed to CARE ABOUT go on the ROOF)
Blond chick we're not supposed to care about: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
(She gets EATEN by a SPACE MONSTER)
Building Super: I want to blow myself up.
(He TRIES to BLOW HIMSELF UP. Nothing HAPPENS)
Building Super: Oh, wait, now I remember how to use a cigarette lighter.
(He BLOWS HIMSELF UP)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: I have an axe.
(He gets ATTACKED by a SPACE MONSTER)
(The RANDOM CHICK WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT kills the SPACE MONSTER with the AXE)
Audience: Wait, what? These space monsters can shrug off a nuclear bomb, but you can kill them with an axe?
(The SPACE MONSTER comes back to LIFE)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Now I am angry. I will kill the space monster again with my bare hands.
(He KILLS the SPACE MONSTER with his BARE HANDS)
Audience: *facepalm*
(A BLUE LIGHT appears in the SKY)
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Hey, look! A blue glowing light! I want to get eaten by a space monster now.
Random chick we're supposed to care about: Me too.
(They get EATEN by SPACE MONSTERS)
Director Aaaaand....ACTION!
Producer Who are you saying 'action' to? All of the characters have been eaten by space monsters.
Director ...
Script Writer: We could show what happens to the people after they get eaten by the space monsters!
Producer: Eww.
(We see the INSIDE OF THE MOTHERSHIP. The SPACE MONSTERS are BITING OFF PEOPLE'S HEADS and SLURPING OUT THEIR BRAINS and PUTTING THE BRAINS into ROBOT BODIES)
Audience: ...
Audience: Wait, what?
(The SPACE MONSTERS slurp out the BRAIN of the RANDOM GUY WE'RE SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT and put his BRAIN into a ROBOT BODY)
Audience: ...
Random guy we're supposed to care about: Now I have a robot body. Ho ho ho.
(The movie ENDS)

You may thank me profusely for all the money I've just saved you.
Tags: movie reviews
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