?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Some thoughts on Mountain Dew

On a mailing list I belong to, there have recently been some...skeptical opinions expressed on the value of Mountain Dew, that carbonated yellow liquid joy in a bottle. So I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

Mountain Dew is the nectar of the gods. Every sip is like an orgy for the mouth--a delicious, vaguely citrus, neon yellow orgy with just the right mix of fructose and other, unspecified natural flavors whose exact composition and measurement is an ancient and fiercely-guarded secret passed down for generations by a sect of celibate Shaolin monks whose senses have been honed by a rigorusly Spartan lifestyle until they have reached the pinnacle of human capability. (It is rumored that a master of this sect can, from his small cabin high atop Mount Fuji, tell if a 7-11 in Newark, New Jersey is dispensing Mountain Dew with an improperly calibrated mix of carbonated water and syrup, just by tasting it on the wind.)

The day's very first hit of Mountain Dew is one of life's sweetest, most precious treasures. It's best taken from a one-liter bottle, you see, for at the moment the bottle is opened, some of the carbon dioxide begins to escape. This causes an ongoing and irreversible process by which the carbonic acid formed by the dissolved gas is converted into water and carbon dioxide, altering the pH and therefore the taste of the drink.

The ratios of the volume of liquid in the bottle to the volume of airspace in the bottle determines, in part, the equilibrium point of the reaction, in which carbon dioxide plus water < - > carbonic acid; the taste of the first sip is subtly different in a 12-ounce can, a 20-
ounce bottle, and a liter bottle, as the reaction has a slightly different equilibrium point in each case.

As caffeine delivery systems go, Mountain Dew is unparalleled in the history of humankind's artifice. If God Himself came down off of Mount Sinai and commanded His people to mainline heroin directly into their eyeballs, it would not be as good as Mountain Dew.

There are other, lesser caffeine delivery systems, of greater or lesser degree of foulness as is their nature; a nice, deep, black tea, strong and lightly sweetened, is good, for example, whereas coffee is nearly as foul as drinking directly from the slag-pits of Mordor with a tar and asphalt chaser. Mountain Dew, though, belongs firmly in a class above all others, where it looks down on other, more pedestrian beverages the way a kind and benevolent madam looks over the girls in her brothel, even the wayward ones who sometimes show up to work late and smelling of coffee. Or the slag-pits of Mordor.

So now you know.

Tags:



Comments

brockulfsen
Jan. 2nd, 2011 11:56 pm (UTC)
No caffeine in it in Australia.

Only colas and energy drinks can be caffeinated here.

Also here the sugar is pretty much all cane sugar.
phantomfox67
Jan. 3rd, 2011 12:36 am (UTC)
waves the flag and as my belly jiggles.... That is why here we are the fattest nation and growing bigger because they get you addicted to their drug... er product.... wait.. sees big brother watching... our fine drinks that help fuel this fine nation ;)
phantomfox67
Jan. 3rd, 2011 12:38 am (UTC)
ps Moutain dew is a soda/cola :)
lovewithoutfear
Jan. 3rd, 2011 01:04 am (UTC)
uh no. It is a soda but not a cola. Colas are brown and have a Pepsi-like flavor (Pepsi, RC, Coke, some might say Dr Pepper/Mr Pibb). They are a subset of sodas, which class also includes 7-up and sprite-like things, cherry pop, ginger ale, root beer and so forth...and Mountain Dew.
pstscrpt
Jan. 3rd, 2011 05:23 pm (UTC)
With the last formula update, Mt. Dew joined Sprite, Dr. Pepper and Faygo Redpop in having perfect diet versions.
jtroutman
Jan. 3rd, 2011 08:20 pm (UTC)
Really? When was this? I had to stop drinking full sweetened anything (diabetic) and found that Diet Mt. Dew was really horse piss.

Maybe I will give it a try again.
pstscrpt
Jan. 3rd, 2011 08:27 pm (UTC)
Maybe two years ago?
6_bleen_7
Jan. 3rd, 2011 03:39 am (UTC)
Caffeine-free Mt. Dew? Yet another reason Australia is awesome. I'd love to glom on to some of that; I've had to drastically reduce my caffeine intake, and Mt. is off (my self-imposed) limits.