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Traditionally, Friday is Date Night between zaiah and I. There are certain rituals and traditions we have associated with Date Night, some of which I shan't go into here, as I fear they may upset those of you with more...delicate sensibilities. One of those traditions which I feel it is safe to discuss is the tradition of watching a movie on Friday.

Usually, this means Netflix, as watching a first-run movie every week would require taking out another mortgage on the house. Occasionally, this means going to the cheap theater for a second-run movie and pizza, which a couple of weeks back is where we saw the Americanized version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, a remake of a Swedish film that was less than half as abominable as I had any right to expect. (As a matter of fact, it was quite good, and even improved on the original in a couple of minor ways...and the original is one of my favorite movies, and a movie I have seen many times.)

This week, we decided to see a first-run movie; namely, The Hunger Games. We made this decision based on two criteria: first, it looks for all the world to be a perfect film to enjoy after an afternoon of extraordinarily kinky sex; and second, zaiah's daughter has been bugging us to see it, on the grounds that the book version is her favorite story of the moment and she wanted to speak freely gush enthusiastically about it without worrying about spoilers.

When we went into the theaters, gentle readers, I will confess I had no idea what to expect. I'd vaguely heard of the film, in the sense that I knew its title, but nothing else about it at all.

And then it happened.

They showed us trailers in front of the movie.

For Prometheus.

Which is Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien.

Which has had a larger impact on my life than any other movie ever committed to film.

Because I saw it one month and two days after turning ten years old.

The movie Alien has been a fixture in my life from a very young age. What I mean by that is that the movie Alien has given me nightmares for approximately two-thirds of my entire life.

I am not quite sure what my parents were thinking, to be honest. In most other regards, they raised me pretty well, and I will thank you in the back there to stop that snickering. However, what on earth would possess otherwise fine, decent, upstanding, tax-paying, non-serial-killer-being grown adults to take a ten-year-old boy to see the movie Alien is quite beyond your humbler chronicler. I say without the slightest trace of exaggeration or hyperbole that it gave me nightmares for more than thirty years, and yes, that does date me.

Seriously. No shit. That movie gave me nightmares for Thirty. Fucking. Years. I can recall one particular occasion, back when I was still working pre-press in Tampa, when I and a buddy of mine were alone in the building, I was tasked with the job of running some film through the automated processor. This basically means carrying a large canister into a room that is pitch black save for the softly glowing readouts on the displays of the automated film processing equipment. And on this particular night, a wandering opossum, I shit you not, fell through the ceiling with quite a loud crash.

It took my coworker and I a couple of hours to catch it. Most of the pursuit was very Keystone Kops, truth be told--the two of us running around through the film strippers' territory with a big plastic trash can...you don't want to know. But the bit when it fell through the ceiling? The nightmares had been going into remission then. After that, they came back with redoubled vigor.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Prometheus.

I had planned to write a review of The Hunger Games. Instead, I am going to write a review of Prometheus.

Now, I can hear your questions already. "The movie comes out in June," you say. "This is only April. You clearly haven't seen it. How can you write a review of it?"

To that I say, "pish-posh." It makes no difference if I write the review after I've seen it, for I will be just as qualified then as I am now, considering that I am likely to have my hands in front of my face for the entire thing. And yes, Gentle Readers, I am going to see it when it comes out.

So, without further ado...

On with the review!

Cute Female Scientist: Look! We've discovered something interesting in these abandoned ruins! Many ancient civilizations on Earth have drawn the same pictograph, even thought they had no contact with each other. And look, it's a star map!

The Weyland-Yutani Corporation: We would be happy to sponsor an expedition to see what's up with that.

Audience: Oh, fuuuuuuuck. This isn't going to end well.

Ridley Scott: It's a motherfucking Alien prequel. What, you expected My Little Pony?

Sinister Weyland-Yutani dude: I work for the company. But don't let that fool you. I'm really an okay guy.

Cute Female Scientist: Let's go!

Captain: We're here!


Other scientist dude: Man, this is some really creepy stuff.

Yet another scientist dude: I'm getting life signs down there.

Some guy who's totally insane: Let's go investigate!


Crew of the Prometheus: Something really bad has happened. We need medical attention here.


The movie GOES BLACK, as I put my HANDS in front of my EYES and curl up into a FETAL POSITION.

Someone on the CREW starts SCREAMING HORRIBLY and DIES.

One of the scientists: Oh, fuuuuu--


One of the crew: Wait! I have an idea that could keep this from turning any worse than it already has, and might even save some of us!


Surviving crewmembers: Oh fuuuuuu---

Something EVEN WORSE happens.


Me: Oh fuuuuu--


Ridley Scott: Pwn3d j00!

By the way, The Hunger Games rocks. Go see it.


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 28th, 2012 06:07 am (UTC)
You are just as excited about this movie as Daddy was about "John Carter" and that is just full of awesome!
Apr. 29th, 2012 02:52 am (UTC)
Heh.nexcept that John Carter is perhaps less likely to result in decades' worth of nightmares. (I'm not sure if "excited" is the best possible word...)
Apr. 28th, 2012 09:16 am (UTC)
Thank you for that. I'm sitting here at 5AM, heart racing because I'm about to embark on an adventure that is probably much more tame than your average Friday night pre-movie routine, and I really, really needed to smile, crack up a little bit, and relax. (((HUGS)))
Apr. 29th, 2012 02:51 am (UTC)
So now I'm curious. How did your adventure go?
Apr. 29th, 2012 03:16 am (UTC)
We're still working out the details. Scheduling is a problem, and having children adds a whole level of complication. We don't have family nearby, so we need to find a sitter who will take James to their home which means we can't just hire the high school student that we usually use. I'll definitely keep you posted!
Apr. 28th, 2012 04:12 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha! That's AWESOME.

I saw Alien when I was a teen, and it remained my favorite movie for at least a decade, and gave me nightmares.

Much later, I was alone in my Seattle apartment for a weekend and decided it would be a good idea to watch the full Alien ouvre in one go. Around 4:00am, I tried to go to sleep.

Which I didn't manage for at least another night. My rational brain knew that no xenomorphs roamed Seattle, and yet.

I loved The Hunger Games.
Apr. 29th, 2012 02:56 am (UTC)
No xenomorphs in Seattle, because apparently they're in New York. At least in the alternate world where William Gibson's script for Alien 3 was turned into a movie.
Apr. 28th, 2012 06:58 pm (UTC)
I think I really want to watch YOU watching Prometheus. That's what I want to see. If I can't be there, film it for me? :)
Apr. 29th, 2012 02:50 am (UTC)
Well, as it turns out, the movie premieres on June 16. So if you do make it to Portland in June and you want to come a few days early, you can totally watch!
Apr. 29th, 2012 01:11 am (UTC)
I am so sorry. On behalf of bad parents everywhere. And I'm a fine one to take the heat, because I walked in on my son, age two, watching JAWS. "The shark just ate that man," he told me calmly. I took him on his first roller coaster for his fourth birthday. He's 18 and just fine. It can go either way.
Apr. 29th, 2012 02:55 am (UTC)
Funny you should mention Jaws. I also saw it when it first came out, which was...what, 1977 or something? I was a wee tyke, and it gave me nightmares, too. I remember having a really bad fever as a kid, and feeling like the couch was tilting up and a shark was coming up out of the carpet to eat me.

Man, my parents really should've monitored my movie-going habits a bit more...
Apr. 29th, 2012 02:47 pm (UTC)
Have you ever seen the comedy routine where the guy (I can't remember who it is) talks about how male conception of the birthing process in men who experience "Alien" as a child is permanently damaged?
There's also a really good bit about it in an episode of "Coupling."
Apr. 29th, 2012 06:36 pm (UTC)
I haven't, but I can totally get it.
Apr. 30th, 2012 05:47 pm (UTC)
I don't know if you've watched "Coupling," but it's a great fun BBC comedy. If you can Netflix or similar it you should check it out. Season 4 has the bits about that. I'll see if I can find the episode.
Apr. 30th, 2012 04:31 am (UTC)
For me it was Wrath of Khan, age 8. I think my parents thought it would be slow and intellectual like the first Star Trek. Never gave me nightmares, but it changed me forever.
May. 1st, 2012 09:19 pm (UTC)
Im a 30mumble year old woman and I STILL have not seen Alien cause it scares the nubbins out of me.

I DID see jaws, haven't been able to swim in any water where I cant see the bottom since. This includes ponds, beaches, freshwater backwoods swimming holes, and a certain hotel pool that has no lights at the deep end.

Haven,t seen Hunger games yet, kids are working on the books.
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )