Franklin Veaux (tacit) wrote,
Franklin Veaux
tacit

Movie Review: The Avengers

Okay, so I don't really do comic books. By which I mean I really, really don't do comic books. (I do like Watchmen, but that's, like, totally different because it's a graphic novel and not a comic book, and stuff, which is different because of reasons.)



I walked into the theater with my sweetie zaiah, her husband, their daughter, a gigantic barrel of popcorn, and a prayer of hope that Joss Whedon wouldn't let me down. After all, he gave us Firefly, right? Man's got mad skills.

As it turns out, the Avengers movie is more an ode to the special effects technician's art than to the storyteller's art...but then again, it is based on a comic book. Or a bunch of comic books. Or comic book characters, or something, I'm really not quite sure.

The movie goes something like this:

The scene opens at a SECRET BASE. Lots of people are RUNNING AROUND in a PANIC.

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: There are lots of people running around in a panic. What's up?
Distracted Scientist Dude: Sir, it's the plot device! Our instruments show that it's generating 38% more plot than it was before. If this keeps up, there may be no place in this movie to escape the plot!
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Did you try turning it off?
Distracted Scientist Dude: Yes! It keeps turning itself back on!

The PLOT DEVICE emits a sudden surge of PLOT

Loki: Hi! I'm Loki.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Drop your staff.
Hawkeye: It's okay, sir. He's Loki. He's a mischievous trickster god who likes playing games but isn't usually actively evil. If we ignore him he will probably get bored and go away.
Loki: No, that's the other Loki. I'm the whiney, kind of annoying narcissist who wants to destroy the world and then take it over, or something.
Hawkeye: Oh, sorry, my mistake.
Loki: Hey, don't sweat it. Happens all the time.
Cut for spoilers...
Loki: Give me the plot device.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: No.
Loki: Then I will mind-control the dude with the arrows and the scientist dude, kill everyone else, and take the plot device. Then I will lead an invasion force to conquer the earth.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Wait a minute. If you can mind-control people, why do you need an invasion force to conquer the earth? Can't you just, like, mind-control the president and the board of directors at Goldman Sachs and be done with it?
Loki: ...
Loki: My way is more fun.

He MIND CONTROLS the DUDE WITH THE ARROWS and the SCIENTIST DUDE and SHOOTS EVERYONE ELSE

Hawkeye: I will do my best to represent District 12 with courage and honor.



Loki: ...
Loki: Wrong movie, numbnuts.

They RUN OFF with the PLOT DEVICE

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Loki has stolen the plot device and run off! Plus, a surge of plot is about to destroy this secret base!

A SURGE OF PLOT destroys the SECRET BASE, for no reason that is readily APPARENT

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Well, Loki has stolen the plot device. I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Hot Chick Who Doesn't Know Anything About Security: Sir?
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Get some characters.
Russian evil dude: So, now that I have you tied to a chair, you will tell me everything you know.
Scarlett Johansson: I don't know anything.
Russian evil dude: Well then, now that I have you in my power, I will tell you my secret plot!
The PHONE RINGS
Scarlett Johansson: Busy here. Working. Busy. I just convinced this guy that this is a James Bond movie, and now he's about to tell me everything.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: I need you to save the world.
Scarlett Johansson: Can it wait?
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: ...
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: No, it can't motherfucking wait!
Scarlett Johansson: This movie is rated PG-13. Can you say things like that?
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: A space alien named Loki has mind-controlled that one dude with the arrows and another scientist dude and stolen the plot device. If he detonates the plot, the whole movie will be affected.
Scarlett Johansson: Oh. Right. On my way.

Scarlett Johansson kicks the Russian dude's ASS and then ESCAPES

Little kid: I'll give you money to save my dad.
The Hulk: Okay.
Scarlett Johansson: It's a trap!
The Hulk: Does that mean I won't get paid?
Scarlett Johansson: A space alien has stolen a plot device. We need characters. Come with me.
The Hulk: Did you come alone?
Scarlett Johansson: Yes. It's just you and me. By which I mean, no, it's just you and me and a whole bunch of army dudes with guns.
The Hulk: Oh, right. What does that have to do with anything? I'm immune to bullets, right?
Scarlett Johansson: ...
Scarlett Johansson: If you come with me I'll take off my shirt in the airplane.



The Hulk: Okay.
Nebbish guy in a suit: We need you to help save the world.
Tony Stark: I'm a narcissist with a plethora of psychological problems and ADD, and I'm about to have sex with Gwyneth Paltrow.
Gwyneth Paltrow: No you're not.
Tony Stark: Really? Damn. Well, in that case, okay, I'll help you save the--oh, look, potato chips!

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson and Captain America TALK for a bit. The dialog WEDGES.

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Ten bucks says I can show you something you've never seen before.
Captain America: Okay.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Loki may have the plot, but I have characters and dialog. It's two against one!

They all get TOGETHER on an AIRCRAFT CARRIER

The Hulk: I thought you were going to take off your shirt if I came with you.
Scarlett Johansson: This movie is rated PG-13.

The aircraft carrier LIFTS UP OFF THE WATER and FLIES THROUGH THE AIR and TURNS INVISIBLE



Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Where's my ten dollars?
Captain America: Nope, you lose. I've seen this before in that one episode of Dr. Who.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: ...
Audience: Really, Joss? You gave us something as brilliant as Serenity, and now we're down to flying aircraft carriers that turn invisible?
Joss Whedon: It's canon. My hands were tied. What could I do?
Captain America: Hey, where's Wonder Woman?
Scarlett Johansson: She is not part of the Avengers.
Captain America: Why not?
Scarlett Johansson: Have you seen what happens when you try to land an invisible jet on an invisible aircraft carrier? It took three days to clear the wreckage off the flight deck. Mostly because we couldn't see the wreckage. Or the flight deck.
Captain America: Oh, right.
Loki: I am going to crash a ritzy party in Stuttgart.
Hot Chick Who Doesn't Know Anything About Security: Loki is crashing a ritzy party in Stuttgart.

They fly to STUTTGART and capture LOKI

Loki: You have captured me.

Thor UNEXPECTEDLY SHOWS UP and snatches LOKI
Thor and Loki ARGUE FOR A BIT. The dialog WEDGES again.

Tony Stark: This dialog is terrible. Let's fight.

Tony Stark and Thor FIGHT

Captain America: Tony Stark, stop fighting with Thor. We should talk.

The dialogue WEDGES some more.

Captain America: This dialog is terrible. Let's fight.

Captain America and Thor FIGHT
Loki makes POPCORN

Tony Stark: We will take Loki to the flying aircraft carrier.
Thor: You have a flying aircraft carrier? Like the one in Dr. Who? Cool!
Tony Stark: Ours is invisible.
Thor: Wait, what? What good is an invisible aircraft carrier? How do you land a plane on it?
Tony Stark: ...

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson puts Loki in an IMPREGNABLE PRISON CELL. The dialog WEDGES.

Tony Stark: I am hacking into Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson's computers to see what he's up to.
Captain America: What makes you think he's up to something?
Tony Stark: Even his secrets have secrets.
Captain America: ...
Captain America: What does that even mean?
Captain America: Besides, how can you hack into his computers? If he's using PGP, wouldn't it take all the supercomputers in the world, like, twenty thousand years to break or something?
Tony Stark: He's using WEP.
Captain America: Oh, right.
Tony Stark: I broke into your computers. You're making secret weapons.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Am not.
Tony Stark: Are too.
Captain America: I broke into your secured storage lockers. You're making secret weapons.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: WTF? Why does this flying aircraft carrier have such crap security?
Hot Chick Who Doesn't Know Anything About Security: You didn't hire me for my security knowledge.



Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Oh, right.
Scarlett Johansson: Will you let Hawkeye go?
Loki: No. But now that I know your weakness, I will explain my plot to you.
Scarlett Johansson: Surprise! This isn't a James Bond movie. Now we know your plan.
Loki: ...
Scarlett Johansson: Hey Hulk, promise you won't turn into a giant green indestructible monster and wreck things, 'kay? Because Loki wants you to turn into a giant green indestructible monster and wreck things.
The Hulk: I promise.

HAWKEYE and a bunch of RANDOM BAD GUYS fly up to the FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIER and request permission to LAND. Since the FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIER is not using IFF MODE 5, the air traffic controllers don't know it's a TRAP and grant APPROACH PERMISSION

Hawkeye: Suckers.

Hawkeye SHOOTS the FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIER with an ARROW. The engine EXPLODES.

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: WTF? Why is this flying aircraft carrier not using military IFF to screen aircraft entering its airspace?
Hot Chick Who Doesn't Know Anything About Security: You didn't hire me for my security knowledge, remember?
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: Oh, right.
Darth Vader: You see? You see what happens when you send a capital ship out on its own without a protective screen of escort vehicles? Some yahoo in some little ship just comes along and shoots you with an arrow and blows you all to Hell and gone, and...
Luke Skywalker: Hey Dad, are you STILL on about that?
Darth Vader: Shut up.

The Hulk turns into a GIANT GREEN INDESTRUCTIBLE MONSTER and starts to WRECK THINGS

Scarlett Johansson: I thought you promised not to turn into a giant green indestructible monster and wreck things.
The Hulk: I thought you promised to take off your shirt.
Scarlett Johansson: ...
Scarlett Johansson: I told you, this movie is rated PG-13.
Scarlett Johansson: So when you turn into a giant green indestructible monster, does your dingus...?
The Hulk: I'd show you, but this movie is rated PG-13.

The SPECIAL EFFECTS overrun the PLOT.
HAWKEYE infects the FLIGHT COMPUTERS with a VIRUS using an ARROW.

Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: I'm sick and tired of this motherfucking crap security on this motherfucking flying aircraft carrier!

Scarlett Johansson punches Hawkeye in the FACE
Loki PREGNATES the IMPREGNABLE PRISON CELL and ESCAPES
The nebbish guy in a suit DIES

Hawkeye: Hi! Didja miss me? I'm back!
Tony Stark: Loki is going to my place.
Scarlett Johansson How do you know?
Tony Stark: Because it has my name on it in big letters.
Scarlett Johansson Well, by that logic, how do you know he isn't going to Trump Towers?
Tony Stark: ...
Tony Stark: Two reasons. First, because Donald Trump wears a bad toupee. Second, because--oh, look, potato chips!

Loki opens a PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION on Tony Stark's PENTHOUSE ROOF
SPACE ALIENS fly out of the PORTAL and SHOOT THE PLACE UP

Captain America: There are civilians who need saving.
Tony Stark: Right. You go save the civilians, we'll go fight the space aliens.
Brett: I'll go get the cat!

A GIANT FLYING DRAGON FISH THING flies out of the PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION and starts SHOOTING THE PLACE UP

Tony Stark: I'm bringing the party to you. And by 'party' I mean 'giant flying dragon fish thing that's shooting the place up.'
Scarlett Johansson You are SO not hosting my nephew's bar mitzvah.
Tony Stark: Wait, you're Jewish?
Scarlett Johansson Huh?
Tony Stark: Never mind.

More GIANT FLYING DRAGON FISH THINGS fly out of the PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION and start SHOOTING THE PLACE UP

Sigorney Weaver: We need to take off and nuke the place from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson: That's a terrible idea.
Burke: That's what I said! She didn't listen to me either.

An AIRPLANE takes off from the FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIER with a NUKE

Tony Stark: That's a terrible idea. I have a better idea.

TONY STARK grabs the NUKE and throws it through the PORTAL TO ANOTHER DIMENSION.
The SPACE ALIENS all fall over DEAD.
The dialog WEDGES.
Thor takes the PLOT DEVICE and LOKI and transports them to ANOTHER PLANE OF BEING.


Tony Stark: So whaddya think? You think a Russian spy and a guy like me...
Luke Skywalker: No.
They all go out to DINNER
Tags: humor, movie reviews
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