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Movie Review: Star Trek Into Plot Holes

J J Abrams, the visionary director who brought you such cinematic masterpieces as Jimmy Kimmel Live! and Star Trek: A New Hope Reboot, returns to his director's seat for Star Trek: Into Plot Holes.



The movie goes something like this:

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK and BONES are RUNNING ACROSS A FIELD OF WEIRD RED TREES being CHASED BY PRIMITIVE ALIENS

BONES: Why are these aliens chasing us?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Because I stole their sacred scroll.
BONES: Why did you steal their sacred scroll?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To distract them from looking up at the shuttle we are sending into the volcano.
BONES: Oh, right.
BONES: Wait, what? If they were in the temple when you stole the scroll, which we know because they all came swarming out of it, they wouldn't have been able to see the shuttle we're sending into the volcano. So you got them all outside to chase us, where they would be more likely to see it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: ...
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Jump off this cliff now.
BONES: Okay.



CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK and BONES swim down to the ENTERPRISE, which for some reason is hiding UNDERWATER

SCOTTY: This is ridiculous.
Audience: We'll say! Just because a spaceship is airtight doesn't mean it works underwater. I mean, for one, it uses reaction thrusters, which we will be able to see in a later scene. Don't they get full of water? I mean, what do we think would happen if, say, the Space Shuttle fired off its engines underwater? A bloody great mess, I'd reckon.

SPOCK is in a SHUTTLECRAFT flying over a VOLCANO with a MAGIC VOLCANO-STOPPING BOMB

SPOCK: Lower me down into the volcano on this cable.
UHURA: Wait, what? Why don't we just lower the magic volcano-stopping bomb on the cable?
SPOCK: Because I have to start the countdown timer.
UHURA: Wait, what? Why don't you just start the countdown timer now, and then we just lower the magic volcano-stopping bomb on the cable?
SPOCK: Because that would be dangerous.
UHURA: ...
UHURA: More dangerous than lowering you on a cable into a volcano?
UHURA: Man, you need to rethink your risk-evaluation calculations.

They lower SPOCK into the VOLCANO with the MAGIC VOLCANO-STOPPING BOMB. Things go HORRIBLY WRONG.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I want to rescue Spock from the volcano.
BONES: If you do that, the natives might see our spaceship flying overhead, and that would be bad because of reasons.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I reject your reasons.

The STARSHIP ENTERPRISE flies up out of the OCEAN and BEAMS SPOCK ABOARD at the VERY LAST MOMENT



SCOTTY: Wait, what? If the goal was to stop the volcano with a magic volcano-stopping bomb, why didn't we just, I dunno, stay in orbit and beam the bomb into the volcano?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: You just don't understand, man. You just don't understand.

The ENTERPRISE flies back to STARFLEET

ADMIRAL PIKE: How was your observation mission?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Oh, you know. Boring. Observationy. We observed the hell out of some things.
ADMIRAL PIKE: You didn't dangle Spock from a cable over a volcano and fly the Enterprise under the ocean and save an indigenous population from certain extinction?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: No, why do you ask?
ADMIRAL PIKE: Because Spock's report says you dangled Spock from a cable over a volcano and flew the Enterprise under the ocean and saved an indigenous population from certain extinction.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Spock! You stuck a knife in my back and threw me under a bus!
SPOCK: Captain, that is a mixed metaphor.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I'm not finished. Then when the bus ran over me, you rolled my body and stole my wallet! And after that, you maxed out my credit cards on beer and hookers, then tossed a derby in the ace and rounded home plate for a touchdown, if you know what I mean!
SPOCK: I really don't.
ADMIRAL PIKE: Saving that indigenous species violated the Prime Directive.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Yeah, about that.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The Prime Directive is bullshit.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I mean, really, come on. We get involved in the affairs of other civilizations all the time. Wasn't the whole point of the last movie how we were trying to save the Romulans from extinction when their sun was going to blow up?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I mean, we sucked at it, because we're the Federation and we basically just generally suck at everything we do in these movies, but the point is we tried.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: And now you're saying that it was morally wrong to save a sapient race from certain extinction because of the Prime Directive? What the fuck is that?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The Romulans deserved to be saved but they didn't? Why? Is it because we value sapient species only if their technology reaches a certain level? As long as they have faster-than-light travel, sure, we'll step in and treat them as people who have value, but if they don't have warp drive, fuck them?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I mean, how fucked up is that? Isn't that just a way of saying that a species has value and worth only in proportion to its level of technology? No warp drive, oh, no, we won't lift a finger, even if it's to save your entire species from extinction? And we say that we're not "interfering" so that we can feel better about it?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What the actual fuck? Does the Federation have some kind of hard-on for ideation of the Noble Savage? Do we cream our jeans about respecting the "purity" of less advanced races, but not enough to, you know, actually save them from extinction? Does the endangered Cardassian Snail Darter deserve more compassion than a sapient species?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Do the lives and suffering of a race of people not matter because they haven't figured out how to put together a warp core yet? Do they not enter our moral consciousness because they aren't as technological as we want them to be?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Isn't that a load of racist horseshit?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Is that really what we are? A bunch of technological elitist buggers, choosing who lives and who dies, what civilizations we save and what ones we let die, and then validating our choices by saying "oh, no, our hands were tied, it's the Prime Directive" so we can sleep at night?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What kind of morally bankrupt asshats are we, anyway? That's like some sort of technological feudal system without even the redeeming grace of noblesse oblige. It's like colonialism without the white man's burden. We'll save you, but we won't save you lot over there because, nope, you're just not technologically advanced enough. Prime Directive! Have a nice day!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What a load of crap. If you allow a civilization to be exterminated by forces outside their control, that's a pretty fucking big involvement in their affairs, don't you think?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Plus, it makes you a colossal fucking asshole.
ADMIRAL PIKE: ...
ADMIRAL PIKE: You have no humility.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: You have no morality.
ADMIRAL PIKE: Touché.

MICKEY from DR. WHO receives BAD NEWS from a FEDERATION DOCTOR

MICKEY: Our daughter is dying. The doctors can't save her because in a world where we have replication, faster-than-light travel, and matter teleportation, medical science is still basically stuck at about 2010.
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: I can save your daughter.
MICKEY: Who are you?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: I'm Benedict Cumberbatch. I can save this movie from its dreadful writing, and I can save your daughter.
MICKEY: How?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: While everyone else is running around overacting and munching on the scenery, I will stay calm and collected and generally steal the hell out of every single scene I'm in. Plus, I get 88% of the decent dialog in this movie.
MICKEY: No, I mean how can you save my daughter?
BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH: With my blood. Here, have a ring.

BANDICOOT CUTTLEFISH saves MICKEY'S DAUGHTER
MICKEY goes to WORK and drops a RING into a GLASS OF WATER, which blows up about four blocks of SAN FRANCISCO LONDON
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK and ADMIRAL PIKE have a BORING AND POINTLESS CONVERSATION in a BAR

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: This is a boring and pointless conversation. Hey, I have a question. Why do you walk with a cane? You have a leg injury and we, a society with replication, faster-than-light travel, and matter teleportation, can't come up with anything better than a cane? Seriously?
ADMIRAL PIKE: We have replication, faster-than-light travel, and matter teleportation, but medical science is still basically stuck at about 2010.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: That's stupid.
ADMIRAL PIKE: That's bad writing.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK is having a THREESOME with TWO HOT ALIEN GIRLS who have TAILS

ADMIRAL PIKE: We have been summoned to an emergency meeting.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK goes to the EMERGENCY MEETING with a lot of STARFLEET BRASS

ADMIRAL MARCUS: Bendyfish Cummerbund blew up a library.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What? Who blows up a library?
ADMIRAL MARCUS: We must take action against Bentlycar Camerabag.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: No, seriously, who blows up a library?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: It must be a plot to get the Starfleet brass in one room together.
BISCUITDOUGH CAULIFLOWER: Surprise!

BARNACLE CRISPYSLICE starts SHOOTING UP STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS from a TINY AIRCRAFT

ADMIRAL PIKE: Arrgh!

ADMIRAL PIKE DIES

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Nooooooooooooooo!

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK does some HEROICS
BASILISK CUBBYHOLE transports out of the TINY AIRCRAFT

SCOTTY: Hey, we found a self-contained backpack teleporter gizmo in the wreckage of Bumpercar Chowderhead's tiny aircraft! We know where he is! He went to the one place you can't go!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The surface of the sun?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The bridge of the Klingon battle fleet's flagship?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Deep inside the atmosphere of Saturn?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The event horizon of a black hole?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The women's room at Starbuck's? I still have a restraining order, you know.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Nurse Chapel's bedroom?
SCOTTY: ...
SCOTTY: No, he transported to the Klingon homeworld!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Seriously? He transported himself from Earth to the Klingon homeworld using something the size of a backpack?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Well, that just completely destroys the whole point of Starfleet, then.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I mean, seriously. Talk about a game-changing technology! What's the point of flying around in spaceships if we can just teleport from one planet to another? Now that we know that's possible, the entire point of manned spacecraft is rendered totally ridiculous and obsolete.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: We just transport from one place to another!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: And if we want to explore somewhere we've never been before, we send out a tiny, unmanned robot probe, and if it finds someplace interesting, we transport there!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Hell, we don't even need faster-than-light warp engines any more! Just transport entire spacecraft from place to place. If the ability to transport a person across half the fucking galaxy will fit in a backpack, transporting spaceships around must be technically feasible for a lot less energy expenditure than warp travel!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: And think about what it would do for warfare!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Just transport a bomb straight from earth to the Klingon homeworld, no need for silly mucking about with interstellar dogfights.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I mean, hell, that one plot device just basically wiped out the entire foundation of Starfleet from stem to stern!
SCOTTY: ...
SCOTTY: Wait, you have a restraining order about the women's bathroom at Starbucks?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK argues with ADMIRAL MARCUS about going after BUMBLEFLY CRABBYPANTS. The dialog WEDGES.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I am going after Bandersnatch Crinklesnick.
CAROL MARCUS: I'm going too.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: You're hot, and I am pathologically unsuspicious. Okay.
SCOTTY: Starfleet wants us to bring 72 prototype photon torpedos on board. For reasons that aren't entirely clear but are central to the plot, I don't like that. I quit.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: ...

The ENTERPRISE heads for the KLINGON HOMEWORLD and ALMOST MAKES IT when the WARP CORE suddenly and suspiciously SHUTS DOWN

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The warp core has shut down and Scotty isn't here. Chekov, put on a red shirt and go fix it.
BONES: Doesn't that seem weird to you?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I am pathologically unsuspicious. Let's get in a shuttle, fly to the Klingon homeworld, and arrest Bendersnipe Cattleprod. Everyone dress like civilians. That way the Klingons will never suspect a thing.

They TAKE OFF as SULU sends a message to BRISTLEBACK CAROLBRAY warning him that PROTOTYPE PHOTON TORPEDOS are aimed at him

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I hope we don't encounter any Klingons on the Klingon home world.

SPOCK and UHURA start to ARGUE. The dialog WEDGES again. They ENCOUNTER KLINGONS on the KLINGON HOMEWORLD. After a CG CHASE that's kind of POINTLESS, they are FORCED TO LAND

UHURA: I speak Klingon. I will try to reason with them.

The KLINGONS refuse to LISTEN TO REASON because they have FACIAL PIERCINGS which tell us they're BADASS. BATTLEFLAG CRUSTYPEN kicks all the KLINGON ASS.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Brokenback Creepyfin, you are under arrest. Plus, I am going to beat you up now.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK tries to beat up BUCKLEBELT CABINSWORD, who just kind of STANDS THERE being decidedly NOT BEAT UP

BARTLEBY CUTTYSARK: Whatever.



BRANDYWINE CATSKILLGRUNT: You have a conscience. Let's talk.
BONES: Don't talk to him, Jim! He will try to manipulate you! The man's a psychopath!
BUTTERSNATCH CREAMYDRIPS: I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: He's not a psychopath, he's a high-functioning sociopath. I will talk to him. Also, I am pathologically unsuspicious.
BAFFLEPRUNE CUSPIDOR: Look inside those torpedos.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Okay.

CAROL MARCUS: I can take the torpedos apart. Let's put one on the shuttle. Also, I am going to take off my clothes.



CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What are you doing?
CAROL MARCUS: Appealing to the geeky, sexually frustrated demographic in the audience.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: No, I mean what are you doing getting dressed again?
CAROL MARCUS: This movie is rated PG-13.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Well, fuck.

CAROL MARCUS and BONES MCCOY take apart a TORPEDO because having a DOCTOR do something like that makes TOTAL SENSE

CAROL MARCUS: I am a bomb disposal technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.

The PHOTON TORPEDO grabs ahold of BONES and an OMINOUS COUNTDOWN TIMER STARTS

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Quick, beam him back!
SPOCK: We can't! The transporter can't tell the difference between him and the torpedo.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: ...
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Wait, what?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The transporter contains "biofilters" that keep germs and stuff from being beamed aboard in the bodies of people.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: So let me get this straight. You're telling me that the transporter can filter out the most subtle of materials based on the most subtle of cues, going all the way down to the molecular level to tell the difference between parasite DNA and host DNA, excluding things that it can tell are proteins and complex organic molecules that don't belong inside of a person whose entire body is made of proteins and complex organic molecules, but it can't fucking tell the difference between a person and a big piece of metal?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What the fuck is wrong with the Star Trek universe, anyway?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Does nobody ever think about everything? Is all of our technology based on whatever makes a convenient plot point at the moment in a cheap attempt to manufacture dramatic tension?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Speaking of which, what the hell is a "deflector dish," anyway?
CAROL MARCUS: Never mind, I'll just turn the torpedo off.

They open the TORPEDO and find a PERSON in CRYOGENIC SUSPENSION where the ENGINES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Hey, Battlechess Carbonite, I found a person where the torpedo's engines are supposed to be.
BLIMEYSTARS CAXTONFONT: That's one of my crew. I put him there. I'm not really Bollywood Camperback. I'm really Khan. I was discovered by Admiral Marcus, who woke me up to design weapons and stuff for him so that he could start a war with the Klingons. I put all of my crew into the torpedos because of reasons. Plus you should totally check out these coordinates. And didn't you get suspicious when your warp core shut down?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: How many times do I have to say it? I'm pathologically unsuspicious. Hey Scotty, stop getting drunk at a bar and go hop a shuttle. I want you to check out these coordinates.
SCOTTY: Okay.

SCOTTY hops into a SHUTTLE and checks out the COORDINATES, where he sneaks into a HUGE ORBITING CONSTRUCTION FACILITY with a bunch of other SHUTTLES

SCOTTY: I sure am glad that the Federation doesn't track shuttles using IFF. And doesn't have radar. And doesn't look for unauthorized spacecraft near a top-secret construction facility. And can't count.

SCOTTY sneaks aboard a GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER because SECURITY WE'VE HEARD OF THAT

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Let's take samples of Bundletoad Khanernut's blood.
BONES: Okay.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What are you doing with that dead tribble?
BONES: I'm injecting Bristlebrush Khanocrat's blood into it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Why do you even have a dead tribble?
BONES: I reached into the plot cupboard and that's all that was there.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What? No ancient homicidal computer or strange alien artifact?
BONES: Nope, just a dead tribble.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: ...
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: But why are you injecting Binderbutt Khannipple's blood into it?
BONES: It's a dead tribble. I'm doing the best I can to make a plot point out of it. Work with me here, okay?

The GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER appears and starts BEING ALL THREATENING

CAROL MARCUS: Dad! It's me, your daughter! You can't shoot us, I'm on board!
ADMIRAL MARCUS: ...
ADMIRAL MARCUS: Wait, I have an idea! I'll beam you over to the giant secret battle cruiser and then start shooting!

ADMIRAL MARCUS beams CAROL MARCUS onto the GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER. The dialog WEDGES

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: This dialog sucks. Let's get out of here. They can't chase us in warp, according to this rule I just made up.
BENDYLICIOUS KHANSURPRISE: Oh yes they can!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: How come everyone gets to make up arbitrary restrictions on Star Fleet technology except me?

The GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER blows the HOLY HELL out of the ENTERPRISE and a bunch of people get SUCKED INTO SPACE

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What is the meaning of this attack?
ADMIRAL MARCUS: Surely I have made my meaning plain. I have deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around, I mean to deprive you of your life.

SCOTTY reboots the GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER and its WEAPONS go OFFLINE

ADMIRAL MARCUS: Wait a minute. We don't have redundant computers and backup failsafes? Seriously?
NAMELESS GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER ENSIGN: This is Star Fleet. All our technology is crap. At least when the plot requires it.
ADMIRAL MARCUS: Oh, right.

SCOTTY: Beam me over there!
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I have a better idea. We are going to put on spacesuits and fly over there and go in through a hatch and then take over the giant secret battle cruiser. Actually, it's Beelzebub Khanderpint's idea, but I'm pathologically unsuspicious so I say let's do it. Your job is to open the door for us.

They put on SPACE SUITS and fly over to the GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER but because FEDERATION TECHNOLOGY is CRAP whenever the PLOT REQUIRES IT, they have to FLY THROUGH SPACE MANUALLY instead of using a COMPUTER to STEER THEM

BENDYSTRAW KHANDLESPRINT: This ship was designed to fly with only one person. I know because I designed it. It's a good thing Admiral Marcus is pathologically unsuspicious or else he'd make it require a password or something to take over.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: ...
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: That's stupid.

They TAKE OVER the GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER. ADMIRAL MARCUS argues with CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK and the dialog WEDGES

BUNNYLICKER KHANCRINKLE: This dialog sucks. I'm going to kill Admiral Marcus with my bare hands and then kick you a bunch of times.

BATKITTEN KHANHARNESS kills ADMIRAL MARCUS with his BARE HANDS and then kicks CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK a bunch of times

BLISTERBUTT KHANBRITCHES: Now give me the torpedoes.
SPOCK: Okay.

SPOCK gives BRUNDLEBARF KHANOPUSS the TORPEDOES

BARCLAYBANK KHANWENCHES: Now I'm going to destroy you.

The TORPEDOES all EXPLODE on the GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER, which takes MODERATE DAMAGE but fails to be DESTROYED

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Wait, what? 72 photon torpedoes go off inside a starship and they don't utterly obliterate it? We have replication and teleportation and faster-than-light travel, but our advanced weapons systems have less explosive power than World War I-era munitions?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Seriously, our ships are powered by antimatter! We could make a bomb the size of a matchstick that has more destructive power than a dozen hydrogen bombs, but our top-secret high-explosive torpedoes pack about the same punch as two strings of firecrackers and a Roman candle? Again I say, what the actual fuck?

The ENTERPRISE starts to PLUMMET TO EARTH and the WARP CORE is all FLOODED WITH RADIATION because of REASONS

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: I am going in there to fix things and save us all.
CHEKOV: Take a radiation suit with you.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: We don't have any of those.
CHEKOV: What? Of course we do! Everyone knows the warp core is radioactive and unstable, they made a point of mentioning it at the start of the movie. So of course we have radiation suits on hand. I mean, why wouldn't we?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Federation technology. It's silly. And inconsistent. You'll get used to it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK saves the ENTERPRISE and then DIES

BUNDERSPLIT KHANGOROUND: I am going to crash this giant secret battle cruiser into Starfleet Headquarters.

BANTERBACK KHANUPSIDE tries to crash the GIANT SECRET BATTLE CRUISER into STARFLEET HEADQUARTERS but MISSES and lands in the WATER instead

SPOCK: KHANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
SPOCK: Beam me down there. I am going to kill Bruntybump Khanglitter.

SPOCK beams down to kill BARTONBRIG KHANSLIVER but gets his ASS KICKED instead
The DEAD TRIBBLE comes back to LIFE

BONES: We need to capture Billetmole Khangrunter alive! Maybe his blood will bring Captain James T. Kirk back to life, too!

UHURA beams down and RESCUES SPOCK'S PUNK ASS and captures BEAMYBEACH KHANDRIZZLE

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Why am I still alive?
BONES: Injecting Balmyface Khanfinkel's blood into something dead makes it come back to life bacause that totally makes sense.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Wait, what?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: So now we're going to, like, clone him and put him and all his clones into a blood farm and mine them for their blood because now all of a sudden we've just become a society where we don't have to deal with mortality, right?
BONES: That would be morally wrong.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Oh, right.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Nobody in the Federation would ever do anything morally wrong.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Especially when their lives or the lives of the people they love are on the line.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Yep, morally incorruptible and upstanding human beings, that's what we are, down to the last of us.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Silly me.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: The fact that we now know how to bring people back from the dead won't change anything at all.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Nope, it will totally be a secret, and society will just keep right on going exactly as it has.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: Because nobody would ever be interested in magic blood that can bring people back from the dead.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: What was I thinking?


Comments

( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
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the_xtina
May. 25th, 2013 10:48 pm (UTC)
I didn't see the movie, so maybe they changed this as well, but it's Uhura.
the_xtina
May. 25th, 2013 10:53 pm (UTC)
"Checkhov"

:blink:
(no subject) - tacit - May. 25th, 2013 11:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
datan0de
May. 26th, 2013 12:47 am (UTC)
Nice! At first glance, I wondered if you were quoting from the io9 spoiler FAQ, which is also will worth a read:
http://io9.com/star-trek-into-darkness-the-spoiler-faq-508927844
tacit
May. 26th, 2013 01:24 am (UTC)
Hadn't seen that one, but it's pretty awesome!
ladyortyger
May. 26th, 2013 04:35 pm (UTC)
Love all the Benedict Cumberbatch nicknames :) This whole post reminds me of cleolinda's movies in 15 minutes. Very funny.

Mickey from Dr Who actually blows up 4 blocks of London ;)
tacit
May. 26th, 2013 06:34 pm (UTC)
Right you are! :)
khall
May. 26th, 2013 04:42 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's about what I've heard too.:/

K.
shokolada
May. 26th, 2013 04:47 pm (UTC)
Thank you for this! I walked out of the theater thinking, "It's not that I didn't have fun, but I am used to my Star Trek movies being more thoughtful and sensible than that..."
ragnarok_2012
May. 26th, 2013 08:27 pm (UTC)
I just wanted to say I absolutely loved this. Great work.

I'm surprised you didn't mention the whole "John Harrison needs to be put on trial/let's forget about this whole trial nonsense".

Basilisk Cubbyhole is my personal favorite of your Cumberbatch nicknames.
wanted_a_pony
May. 26th, 2013 08:27 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha, this was as much snarky fun as thefourthvine's reviews of Fandoms I Have Loved! <3 <3

So, what you're saying is that the ST:R movies are following the same pattern as the previous ST movies, alternating a OK-to-good movie with a real stinker? (I've not seen either of the ST:R movies.)

[edited for fumble fingers]


Edited at 2013-05-26 08:29 pm (UTC)
james_the_evil1
May. 26th, 2013 08:42 pm (UTC)
Thanks for watching these so we don't have to.
(Anonymous)
May. 26th, 2013 10:47 pm (UTC)
The grain silos were right down the road from the clump of trees on Meridian, the cedar tree is was the sapling that started growing in the worst possible spot right in front of my garden shed, the uneven blacktop that needs resurfacing is in near Coos Bay where I take naps when I am supposed to be working and that is just the things you know about
petite_lambda
May. 26th, 2013 11:07 pm (UTC)
Ha-ha, thank you so much for this! Awesome!
I walked out after the first 10 minutes -- not 5 only because I had a hot-dog to finish...
(Anonymous)
May. 26th, 2013 11:44 pm (UTC)
Those were all my thoughts watching the movie. Here's one you missed:
BICYCLESTICK KHANDEPENDS and SPOCK are fighting atop a speeding flying car.
UHURA: Beam them up, Chekov.
CHEKOV: I can't. The flying car is going too fast.
UHURA: But in the last movie Scotty was able to bean from a planet surface to the inside of a plastic water pipe in the engine room of a warp-speed flying starship.
CHEKOV: I must have missed that class at Star Fleet Academy since I didn't graduate.
UHURA: Can you beam someone down on to the flying car?
CHEKOV: Of course! It's not going that fast.
tacit
May. 27th, 2013 12:35 am (UTC)
Bwah! Awesome.
sgamadison
May. 29th, 2013 01:36 am (UTC)
I have to confess, I really enjoyed this movie a lot, but then I am pathological unsuspicious. :-)

Best line ever: JAMES T. KIRK: He's not a psychopath, he's a high-functioning sociopath. I will talk to him. Also, I am pathologically unsuspicious

Seriously cracked me up! Thank you for sharing!
sezjasaneh
May. 29th, 2013 02:46 am (UTC)
I love your reviews!
(Anonymous)
May. 29th, 2013 02:42 pm (UTC)
Just about all of the "plot holes" aren't, of course - if you're listening, the script addresses practically all of them - but this whole article is worth it just for the Prime Directive rant.
(Anonymous)
Jun. 2nd, 2013 07:35 pm (UTC)
Yes they are, unless you are an apologist who goes to great lengths to come up with convoluted explanations. I'll just choose the warp core for example. It is incomprehensible that they don't either have a) Radiation suit (with integrated personal "shield"), b) robotic manipulators, c) full blown autonomous robots capable of making repairs. This is also true in Wrath of Kahn, but forgivable because it was a great scene, and at least Spock wore gloves.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Jun. 9th, 2013 10:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
phoenixskywind
May. 29th, 2013 02:52 pm (UTC)
Awesome. I did see the movie and this has caused my sides to hurt, laughing.. Keep up the good work! :-D
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