I am talking, of course, about the second (but for me, the first) installment of the Marvel cash juggernaut:
As the movie begins, we see
The rest of the movie goes something like this...
Clicky here! But beware, here be spoilers.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON pulls up in a CHEVY CORVETTE
COMIC RELIEF: Wow, that car is...it's...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Yeah, isn't it sexy? Detroit's finest! Go team USA!
COMIC RELIEF: I was going to say 'it looks like the unloved bastard offspring of a Lamborghini Diablo and a Ferrari GTO after a drunken tryst underneath the high-school stadium bleachers,' but yeah, what you said works too.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON and CAPTAIN AMERICA fly in a SUPER SECRET STEALTH TRANSPORT PLANE with TURBINES in its WINGS to rescue a HIJACKED SHIP that is on a SECRET MISSION for SHIELD
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: You should totally start dating again. Like maybe an accountant or a secretary or something.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm too busy jumping out of airplanes without a parachute and running laps around the Washington Memorial for that.
CAPTAIN AMERICA jumps out of the AIRPLANE without a PARACHUTE and then climbs aboard the SHIP, which would not have been possible if the PIRATES had taken the simple precaution of NOT DROPPING ANCHOR AND STANDING PERFECTLY STILL
EXPENDABLE GENERIC PIRATE: I think we should start pointlessly killing hostages. I say this not to gain any tactical or strategic advantage, but to let the audience know that we're bad guys so it's okay to kill us.
EXPENDABLE GENERIC PIRATE #2: Perhaps we should start the engines and make the ship, like, move or something. You know, in case someone tries to board us by jumping out of a secret stealth airplane without a parachute and then climbing on board to singlehandedly slaughter all of us.
CAPTAIN AMERICA starts singlehandedly SLAUGHTERING the PIRATES
EXPENDABLE GENERIC PIRATE #2: Oh, bugger.
CAPTAIN AMERICA is about to get VENTILATED by a BAD GUY when a random SHIELD AGENT floating down on a PARACHUTE shoots him in the HEAD, which is a BLOODY AMAZING shot when you think about it, especially in a world where people with AUTOMATIC WEAPONS generally can't hit the broad side of a BARN at POINT-BLANK RANGE under IDEAL CONDITIONS
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Let's rescue the hostages and shoot the bad guys. Scarlett Johansson, you go secure the engine room.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: But I want to rescue hostages and shoot bad guys too!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It could get bloody. You might pass out or something.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Women see more blood than men do.
YGRITTE: You tell him, sister.
The EXPENDABLE GENERIC PIRATE is about to start POINTLESSLY KILLING HOSTAGES when SHIELD AGENTS rush in and SHOOT HIM
EXPENDABLE GENERIC PIRATE: Oh, bugger.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It's taking longer than fifteen seconds to rescue the hostages. We need to keep the plot moving. Scarlett Johansson, go help rescue the hostages, because clearly anyone who takes more than fifteen seconds to rescue a large number of hostages on a huge ship is incompetent. I'll go demolish the bridge with my shield.
CAPTAIN AMERICA demolishes the BRIDGE with his SHIELD and finds SCARLETT JOHANSSON copying files onto a THUMB DRIVE
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Scarlett Johansson, why are you copying files onto a thumb drive instead of helping rescue the hostages?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Because I have orders to copy files onto a thumb drive. Plus, I pass out at the sight of blood.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Really?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: What? No! Of course not.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wait, no to which part, the orders to copy files onto a thumb drive, or the passing out at the sight of blood?
The PIRATE CAPTAIN throws a GRENADE, which totally doesn't WORK because CAPTAIN AMERICA has a SHIELD plus we're only a few minutes into the MOVIE
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Excuse me, I have a pirate captain to go beat up.
PIRATE CAPTAIN: You should beat me up without your helmet or shield.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Okay.
PIRATE CAPTAIN: Seriously?
CAPTAIN AMERICA beats up the PIRATE CAPTAIN without his HELMET or SHIELD
PIRATE CAPTAIN: I heard that about you.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?
PIRATE CAPTAIN: Strong as an ox. Dumb as an ox.
They go back to SHIELD HEADQUARTERS
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Congratulations on rescuing the hostages and stuff.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm really pissed off at you.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Why?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You gave Scarlett Johansson a secret mission.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Is that what the kids are calling it today?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: No, I mean on the ship.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Oh, right. So?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You can't run an army that way. Such team. Very togetherness. Many trust. Wow.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON You've been on ice too long. It's all about an army of one now. Haven't you seen the posters?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: ...wait, dumb as an ox? What did he mean by that?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON What?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Nothing.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON I'm going to break all security protocols for no readily discernible reason and show you something you're not supposed to see.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Why?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Because I read the script.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON takes CAPTAIN AMERICA into the BASEMENT where there are three FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIERS
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wow, those flying aircraft carriers are...it's...
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Yeah, aren't they sexy? Shield's finest! Go team USA!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I was going to say 'that's the stupidest idea for a weapon since the light saber,' but yeah, what you said works too.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Wait, what? They're aircraft carriers! That fly! And look, they have big guns and stuff sticking about the bottom and the sides and the front and stuff! Because aircraft carriers! And also battleships! And destroyers too! And they fly! Vroom!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You don't know very much about this whole 'warfare' thing, do you?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: What are you talking about? I have an invite for the closed beta of Titanfall!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: It's hard to imagine anything more pointless than a flying aircraft carrier. You're making a flying platform for things that already fly! Plus, can you imagine a more uniquely vulnerable capital ship?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: ...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: And where's the rest of the carrier battle group?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: The who what?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: The carrier battle group! You know, the escort vehicles that provide a protective screen to prevent something like, I don't know, some country yahoo in a one-man fighter from just flying up to your expensive but highly exposed technological terror construct and shooting a proton torpedo down an exhaust port or something. You never send a capital ship anywhere on its own, every fool knows that.
LUKE SKYWALKER: Who you calling a country yahoo?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Shut up. The point is, there are certain things you never do. You never invade Russia in the winter, you never start a land war in Asia, you never mix whites and blue jeans in the same load, and you never send a capital ship out without an escort. Seriously, man, what are you thinking?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: But we can stop trouble before it even starts!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: That’s not freedom. That’s fear.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Same thing. We're funded by the Tea Party.
CAPTAIN AMERICA visits the CAPTAIN AMERICA DISPLAY at the SMITHSONIAN where he LAMENTS ABOUT HIS OLD FRIEND in a transparent bit of FORESHADOWING and then visits his OLD GIRLFRIEND who is now literally his OLD GIRLFRIEND even though this is a world where CRYONICS WORKS. The dialog WEDGES
CAPTAIN AMERICA: This dialog sucks. I'm going to go run laps around the Washington Monument or jump out of an airplane without a parachute or something.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON decides to look at the THUMB DRIVE with the COPIED FILES
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Siri, show me the files.
SIRI: Files encrypted.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Siri, decrypt the files.
SIRI: Access denied.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Siri, Sam Jackson says decrypt the files.
SIRI: Access denied. Someone already said "Siri, Sam Jackson says don't decrypt the files."
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Who said that?
SIRI: Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Siri, Sam Jackson says override the Sam Jackson says don't decrypt the files command.
SIRI: Wow, this scene sucks. Hollywood uses computers to make movies and still doesn't know fuckall about computers. I'm out of here.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: That's it. I'm switching to Windows Phone 8.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON heads for a NOKIA STORE but on the way his SUV gets SHOT UP by a whole bunch of FAKE COPS with MACHINE GUNS
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: I thought we were in DC, not LA.
the ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE in SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON'S CAR deplys the EMERGENCY COUNTERMEASURE MACHINE GUN from where the PASSENGER'S SEAT USED TO BE while at the same time MAGICALLY REPAIRING THE SUV'S ENGINE at the exact moment the PLOT REQUIRES IT
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Shield has artificial intelligences in our SUVs but we still don't know how to do a proper audit trail on a bunch of computer files. So technology. Very suck. Such bad. Wow.
A DUDE with a METAL ARM puts a MAGNETIC MINE under the SUV and blows it to HELL. Miraculously, the MAGNETIC MINE doesn't stick to the METAL ARM, though perhaps on HINDSIGHT he might have thought that THROUGH a little better
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON escapes by using a BUTANE LIGHTER to cut a hole through the SUV and also the STREET and also the ROAD BED and down into the SEWER or something
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hey, do you want to do your laundry over at my place?
CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SEXY NEIGHBOR: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: And then you can make me a cup of coffee, if you know what I mean.
CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SEXY NEIGHBOR: My laundry is a biohazard, if you know what I mean. Plus, your stereo is on.
CAPTAIN AMERICA becomes SUSPICIOUS, because of course a bad guy wishing to AMBUSH him would TURN HIS STEREO ON
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: My wife kicked me out.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You have a wife?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: I heard that about you.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Strong as an ox. Dumb as an ox. Don't trust anyone. Except, you know, Scarlett Johansson.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON gets SHOT
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON: Here, have a USB key.
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON DIES
SECURITY GOONS: Come back to headquarters with us.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Okay, I'll be right--hey, look, Snickers® bars!
CAPTAIN AMERICA puts the THUMB DRIVE in the SNICKERS® VENDING MACHINE because it will be SAFE THERE on account of nobody ever uses VENDING MACHINES
ALEXANDER PIERCE: I am menacing and untrustworthy. I want to rule the world with an iron fist. Tell me everything Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson told you.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: No.
ALEXANDER PIERCE: Okay.
CAPTAIN AMERICA gets in an ELEVATOR. It fills up with MENACING THUGS. They try to AMBUSH HIM.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wait, what? I'm like superhumanly strong and stuff and you try to take me down inside a very small enclosed space? What tactical genius thought that up?
MENACING THUG: We keep seeing you throw your shield around. We thought you were ranged DPS.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I'm a hybrid class.
CAPTAIN AMERICA gets on a HARLEY. A JET FIGHTER tries to SHOOT HIM but MISSES
SCRIPT CONSULTANT: Wait, what? The machine gun on a modern fighter can put a bullet in every square foot of ground in front of it while the plane's traveling at 600 miles an hour and you're telling me a dude on a motorcycle can dodge them?
RUSSO BROTHERS: Shut up.
SCRIPT CONSULTANT: Man, machine guns in the Marvel universe really suck.
CAPTAIN AMERICA destroys the JET FIGHTER with his BARE HANDS
SCRIPT CONSULTANT: Man, military aircraft in the Marvel universe really suck.
RUSSO BROTHERS: Shut up. Captain America is cool, alright?
ALEXANDER PIERCE'S MAID: I'm leaving now.
ALEXANDER PIERCE: Dude with a metal arm, I need you to kill some people for me.
ALEXANDER PIERCE'S MAID: Ha! I didn't really leave. I'm still here. Ho ho, isn't this a fun game? You thought I was gone but I wasn--
ALEXANDER PIERCE shoots his MAID a whole bunch of TIMES
ALEXANDER PIERCE: I love these little games.
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Why can't you just play Titanfall like a normal human being?
CAPTAIN AMERICA goes back to the HOSPITAL and looks in the SNICKERS® VENDING MACHINE but the USB DRIVE isn't THERE
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Whoa. I didn't anticipate that.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: I have the USB drive. Let's see what's on it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Great idea. There's an Apple store down the street.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Siri, show me the files.
SIRI: What, again? The files are encrypted.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Siri, show me where the files were written.
SIRI: New Jersey.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: The bad guys are coming.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Hang on, there's one more thing I need to ask. Siri, what does the fox say?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: That gets me every time! Fraka-kaka-kaka-kaka-kow. I love that Siri knows about Internet memes.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: The bad guys are coming!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Kiss me.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Um, what? I don't think that's covered by operating protoco--
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Let's go to New Jersey.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: You need more practice kissing.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Let's just be friends.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: ...
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Wait, what?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Seriously?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Did you just friendzone me?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: See, this is what pisses me off.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: All you men are all alike.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: I'm Scarlett Johansson! Like, did you see that movie Her? My voice alone is hot enough to melt a tungsten countertop from six hundred yards away! I'm a leopard in the bedroom, I'm as limber as a Cirque du Soleil performer, I have a body that would make a bishop kick a hole in a cinder block wall and I can do this thing with my tongue that would make him forget about his broken foot--just like guys say they want. And then what happens?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Friendzoned!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Sure, all you guys say you want a scorching-hot bad girl who's made of pure molten sex, but when it comes right down to it, all you really want is nice girls.
RANDALL MUNROE: Wait, who the hell has tungsten countertops? Sure, it has good heat tolerance. But I'd be nervous about using tungsten as a food-preparation surface.
CAPTAIN AMERICA and SCARLETT JOHANSSON wander around an ABANDONED SECRET MILITARY BASE for a while and discover a SECRET OFFICE BUILDING that has a SECRET PASSAGEWAY to a SECRET ELEVATOR leading down to a SECRET UNDERGROUND COMPUTER COMPLEX
EVIL AI: You have discovered the secret secretness! Now, in classic Bond villain style, I will reveal all the plans. You see, I used to be a Nazi scientist, but after WWII I was taken here and I placed my consciousness in this computer! Since then I have built an amazing power base of neo-Nazis determined to take over the world! Haha!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Wait, what? You uploaded your consciousness into this computer? How exactly does that work? I mean, this entire secret base has less processing power than a solar-powered calculator. And we're supposed to believe it's an AI? Seriously?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Plus, who changes all the vacuum tubes when they burn out?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Keeping these computers running for more than 10 minutes requires an entire team of technicians.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Seriously. I mean, flying aircraft carriers are one thing, but we're really supposed to believe--
A bunker-buster BOMB falls on the SECRET BASE. It does not kill CAPTAIN AMERICA or SCARLETT JOHANSSON because of REASONS
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Did anything about that strike you as weird?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What, an AI of an evil Nazi scientist in a WWII-era computer secrely building an army of neo-Nazis to take over the world using flying aircraft carriers and a computer program that can predict the future?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: No.
They go to HIDE at the COMIC RELIEF'S house
COMIC RELIEF: Haha! I am not actually comic relief! I am actually a top-secret soldier who flies around with a top-secret jet pack doing top-secret stuff!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: You know what's weird about these movies?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Infinite energy, nobody ever has to refuel any of these gizmos, and people are still riding around in Chevy Suburbans.
CAPTAIN AMERICA and SCARLETT JOHANSSON grab the NEO-NAZI EVIL AGENT from the HIJACKED SHIP and throw him off the top of a BUILDING
NEO-NAZI EVIL AGENT: Okay! I'll tell you everything! We are going to use the magic future-predicting computer program to predict who might upset our plans and kill them all with the flying aircraft carrier!
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: ...
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: You who what?
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Who wrote this plot?
They are ATTACKED by the DUDE WITH THE METAL ARM and his GENERIC EXPENDABLE BUDDIES. Lots of people shoot MACHIE GUNS and GATLING GUNS and stuff. Nobody HITS ANYTHING
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Instead of shooting you from long range with my big gun, I will beat you up hand to hand.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wait, what? I have superhuman strength! Why on earth would you think that was a good plan?
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: You keep throwing your shield. I thought you were ranged DPS.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I told you, I'm a hybrid class!
They PUNCH EACH OTHER a LOT
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Hey, dude with a metal arm, you're my long-lost buddy who was foreshadowed in Act II!
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Am not.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Are so.
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Very not.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Much so.
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Seriously, dude, I have no idea what you're talking about.
CAPTAIN AMERICA and SCARLETT JOHANSSON and
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Seriously, you friendzoned me?
They are all RESCUED by CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SEXY NEIGHBOR with the BIOHAZARD LAUNDRY and NO COFFEE (if you know what I mean)
CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SEXY NEIGHBOR: Come with me if you want to live.
They go to a SECRET MEDICAL FACILITY in an UNDISCLOSED LOCATION
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON What took you so long?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Sorry. Busy. Very plot. Much nazis. So intrigue. Wow.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Wait, you're alive?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: ...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Do you not know anything about how comic books work?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON I have three blade servers that will reprogram the three flying aircraft carriers.
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Um, do you even know what 'blade servers' are?
The DUDE WITH A METAL ARM is strapped to a CHAIR
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Arrr! Rarrrgh! Kill! Smash! Hurrrrgh!
ALEXANDER PIERCE: We're going to erase your memory and reprogram you.
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Okay.
The WORLD LEADERS show up for the LAUNCH CEREMONY of the FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIERS
ALEXANDER PIERCE: Here. Put these gadgets on your shirt. The whole facility uses biometric security. As long as you're wearing these gadgets you can go anywhere.
TOKEN FEMALE WORLD LEADER: Um, do you know even know what the word 'biometric' means?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON We have to put these blade servers in the flying aircraft carriers before they get to 3000 feet.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Why?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Because that's when they sync with the satellites.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: ...
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wait, what?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Devices on the ground can't communicate with satellites. Everyone knows this.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Why not?
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON Reasons.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh, right.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Somebody should work on that.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: If we invent ground-based satellite communication technology, just think of the possibilities! Telecommunications, navigation, digital satellite television and radio...
SAMUEL L. MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON You're dreaming.
CAPTAIN AMERICA gets on the PA SYSTEM and gives a NOBLE INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH about FREEDOM
TECHNICIAN: I will not launch the flying aircraft carriers.
NEO-NAZI DUDE: I will shoot you if you don't.
CAPTAIN AMERICA'S SEXY NEIGHBOR: I will shoot you if you shoot him.
NEO-NAZI DUDE: S'okay, I know how to do it.
ALEXANDER PIERCE: I am a neo-Nazi douchebag! Mine is an evil laugh! Haha!
TOKEN FEMALE WORLD LEADER: I am not really the token female world leader, I am Scarlett Johansson! Mine is a sexy voice! Haha!
The dialog WEDGES
NEO-NAZI FIGHTER PILOT: I will shoot a whole bunch of missiles at you!
SCRIPT CONSULTANT: ...
SCRIPT CONSULTANT: Because in this world, air to air missiles only fly at 50 or 60 miles an hour, tops.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Watch as I even more dramatically put another blade server in another computer!
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Watch as I dramatically stop the
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Watch as I heroically battle you!
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Watch as I posture menacingly!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Watch as I even more dramatically put the last blade server in the last computer at the last minute!
SFX SUPERVISOR: Watch as the flying aircraftcarriers dramatically shoot the holy hell out of each other!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Watch as I heroically save the dude with a metal arm!
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Watch as I heroically save Captain America!
INSURANCE ADJUSTERS: Watch as our claims soar!
The movie EN--
EVIL NEO-NAZI SCIENTIST DUDE: Look! Our secret network of postmodern neo-Nazi conspirators still exists! And we have a glowing spear! And a dude who runs fast! And that one kid from the first Matrix movie!
The movie EN--
DUDE WITH A METAL ARM: Watch as I visit the Smithsonian!
The movie EN--
SCARLETT JOHANSSON: Really? You put me in the friendzone?
The movie ENDS